:::Broken Innocence Insights:::

Spiderman 3 - Sie Sie Movie

2007-05-15T11:10:00.000+08:00

I went to see Spiderman 3 with my colleagues and I'll try my best not to reveal too many plot points, but let's just say I was disappointed in the story. The action scenes were flat out unlike Spiderman 1 & 2 and the fight scenes were definitely worth the price of admission.The problem was the acting and the story. The movie could have benefited from chopping 20 minutes off the running time and the acting was wooden, especially in what were supposed to be heart rending scenes. Instead of a highly emotional scene, these scenes came off as over the top and the crowd laughed through these scenes.

Tobey Maguire contorted his face and scrunched it up into a tight little ball when he cried and it was more funny than it was sad. Maybe that's what Raimi was hoping to get out of those scenes where Peter Parker was running into relationship issues, but I don't think so. Kirsten Dunst was adequate eye candy, but I saw no reason to have the love quadrangle involving Mary Jane Watson, Parker, Harry Osborne and newcomer Gwen Stacy.

Too bad the acting between Mary Jane and Parker was so wooden. You just didn't get the feeling that the two were in love. As for the box office, I think the movie will do impressive business this weekend, but it will drop off significantly as word of mouth filters out. It will not do nearly as well as Spiderman 2 either.

Celebrate Earth Day All Week

2007-04-23T12:09:00.000+08:00

Incredible coverage here outlining five ways to celebrate "Earth Week." If you've been concerned about the environment but perplexed about what you can do to restore it, this marvelous package of articles will help.

Today's Message by Harvey Mackay

2007-04-23T11:40:00.000+08:00

It's good to work hard. It's great to work smart. But it's best to work hard and smart.

DARE TO DREAM

2007-04-18T09:40:00.000+08:00

"Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though chequered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat." Teddy Roosevelt

Do you remember when you were a child and no dream seemed too big? Some of us thought we would walk on the moon; some dreamed of riding with Roy Rogers; others imagined stepping to the plate in a big-league game. Every one of us, when we were young, had a common trait - we were dreamers. The world hadn't gotten to us yet to show us that we couldn't possibly achieve what our hearts longed for. And we were yet still years from realizing that in some cases we weren't built for achieving our dream (I realized about my junior year of high school that I was too short and to slow to play professional basketball. The dreamer is always the last to know).

Eventually we started to let our dreams die. People began to tell us that we couldn't do the things we wanted. It was impossible. Responsible people don't pursue their dreams. Settle down, get a job, be dependable. Take care of business, live the mundane, be content.

Do you know what I say to that? Hooey!

It is time to dream again!

my day

2007-04-11T13:29:00.000+08:00

today would be one boring day!!!!

i never felt bored like this before. having excibition in putrajaya and im taking care of a booth for the whole day where there's not many delegates and i have been yawning until my tears slip out. i should be thankful that i can be online now. else...I be screaming and starting pulling my hair.

i just want to go home. have dinner with my family. watch american idol. do a bit of reading before i sleep.

and there's goes my day.

BLESSED

2007-04-10T12:43:00.000+08:00

I haven’t been blogging in a while…not because I’ve been busy with work …well, actually I've been busy with my new life "married life", busy on making babies, busy on planning how to deco my new house, and also spending a lot of time reading other people’s blogs.

Anyways, I used to have so many things to share whenever I log in... but...I don't seem to have that blogging power. I don't know why. So many things to share ever but I just don't know where to start. Mmm.. let's start all over again....

Hello bloggers!

I'm MARRIED. It's been 4 months and it's was an amazing 4 months. We went to Mauritius for my HONEYMOON. It was fantasic. Not planning having kids now, maybe later later. Can't wait to deco our house. Looking forward for our family gateway in June, 2007. We are leaving to London & Paris. Visiting Euro Disney too. Can't wait to shop in London - Summer Sale. LV here I come! I'm a member of True Fitness. 3 is the number of times I attend for my PT. *Personal Trainer*

LIFE is getting pretty exciting for me now...and... I am BLESSED.

Loving Yourself

2006-06-16T12:02:00.000+08:00

I guessed if you seek for an advice especially about self-esteem, you may find most people will definitely providing you this advice - "You got to love yourself before you love anyhow else". I maybe right, I maybe wrong. But the fact is, you have to love yourself. I always have this problem - words that I always used "I don't care about myself", "I wish I'm prettier than her", "Why I'm like this" etc. Even though you know very well what you need to do (with/without an advice from your friends or whoever) but you still can't help to feel that way. **sigh**

In life, we may find it easy to allow ourselves to love and accept multitudes of other people, but when it comes to loving ourselves we're not as forgiving. In fact, we can be quite relentless in our pursuit of perfection. So, how then do you learn to put aside all the shoulds and should nots we face, and really begin a love affair with yourself?

Someone told me the first step is to realize that you are somebody. Like you're a friend, someone's daughter or son, possibly a lover, an employee or employer, or maybe even someone's spouse. No matter how your role changes, you're still somebody. Nothing will ever change that.

The next step is to take time out to actually love yourself. In romantic relationships it is often said that true love is shown through actions, not words. Learn to apply this to yourself with the following ideas, and you'll be on the road to a lifetime romance, with yourself!

Believe it or not it's works. Mmm.. only sometimes (for me only). I guess if you practice these terms, you would be fine **smiling** Pratice makes perfect doesn't it, just have to makesure that your sub-conscious mind is workable.

i'm back...

2005-09-19T10:56:00.000+08:00

hell-lo ... i'm back.

you know what - being away from the cyber-world is so so so the very head-ache **sigh** it's like you're DEAD but alive, ok. i miss updating my blog like how i used too, gosh!! it's so so hard to explain. anyway, i'm BACK...

So.. what's new? (i bet that question is in your mind now...) **hehehe** nothing much to update you all. Mmm. let me see, well... i got new job, still in penang, been travelling around, still playing pool with desmond (of cuz desmond belanja-la), still working at the torch, still playing darts, still strugling to finish my kick-boxing & yoga classes (and i wonder when will i be finishing it), still walking along the beach to watch sunset, still adore ice latte, mmm... what else... bottom line.... i'm still the same "ME" **hehehe**

Missing in Action ...

2005-08-23T11:14:00.000+08:00

Well, just wanna let you all know that I be away from the cyber world for awhile. It's kindda hard to explain but I will try my very best to update my blog. Actually, I miss updating my blog daily.

I hate to say this but I just have too ...

:::Broken Innocence Insights::: is shutting down for awhile...

However, I be back...!!!

roti telur bawang with decor SATU, pls....!!!!

2005-08-02T09:24:00.000+08:00

I was at Khaleel yesterday (infront of my house) having my supper. Was there with my sister "Anem" and her boyfriend "Ajib" and Desmond. My sister had Tandooooorrrriii - wa la wei... looked "not bad" at all. Ajib ordered "roti telur". Desmond and myself just ordered drinks.

While Desmond busy-ing chatting with one of his school friend, my sis was busy decor the roti telur. You readers must be wondering what the "fuck" I'm talking about.... Oh well! check it out the picture below **smile**

**roti telur bawang with the artistic decor**

Cute or not? **hehehe**

a day with the kids...

2005-08-01T10:49:00.000+08:00

Mmm... where should I start. Nothing much happened during the weekend. Been busy working at the "Torch" during the weekend. Extra busy on Saturday tho... we got function - "birthday party"! Yeah! and extra, extra tired for me. Been walking there, here, here there... damn! No doubt about it, I do love birthday parties... however, after that day I started to hate it. You know what, my task on that day is to make sure that the customer have enough plates, forks & spoons and food. So.. that's explained why I have to walk there, here, here and there (I have to look for plates, washed them, wiped them). I guessed when you worked in a BISTRO or PUB... you don't need FITNESS First! Because you be sweating like pig.... **hehehe**

Anyway, since it is a birthday party for 1 year old kid, you be seeing lots of other kids too. They were running there and here, screaming, yelling, playing with tissue papers, food on the floor - AIYO! I really got a big headache la. Here I am... busy collecting plates, glasses, re-fill water and food and there you go... KIDS running around you. Sometimes when I looked at them, they such a adorable human being... sometimes you just want to struggle them - you know what I mean **hehehe** Seeing the kids that day, reminded me lots of stuffs... bring me back to my "memory lane". I used to work in nursery before. No kidding! I've got 10 kids to care for and that is no shit, ok. You be hearing something like - "Aunty Era, I wan to shi shi!"; "Aunty Era, I poo poo in my pants!"; "Aunty Era, I'm hungry!" and lots more **hehehe** It's nice to entertain them, it makes you laugh but sometimes they make you felt like pulling your hair **argh** They can be so cute at times and make you felt like Ahawwww!!! And they also can make you like mad women... **winking smile**

Back to Torch and the birthday party.. the function end at 10:30pm but they still lingering around. This is the moment my evil thoughts came in - like grabbing the broom and chase everyone in Torch to go back home **shit** After 11:00pm, still got somemore customer came in. I go crazy already. My colleague went back at 12am and I have to stand by until Jessie (my boss aka friend aka dart "seefu") wife "Annie" come over. Gosh! at that time I was praying real hard and hoping that Annie arrive soon. Else... I will faint. My legs hurt and soar. And I'm so sleepy and "fucking" tired.

Well, while I was busying doing something (which I can't remember what), Desmond dropped by. Well, he ordered his usual drink which is "SPRITE". Yes! gurls.. he's not a drinker (ex-drinker) and watched the regulars playing darts. We managed to play 3 games of pool (after I finished my work, of cuz). We palyed 3 games, the result Desmond 2, Era 1. My performace totally SUCKS!

Desmond drove me to my car since I parked so far away. And I was complaining that I was hungry and I wanted to eat Charlie's "HOT DOG" which is at Batu Feringgi (Desmond! I know you going to comment something to do with Charlie's ahem! ahem! - don't ah!). So.. I parked my car at my house, hop into his car - and drove to Charlie's "HOT DOG" stall. Got myself a hot dog "special" and ate it in Desmond car.

Reached home... took my bath, make myself a cup of hot coco and ZZzzZZzzzzzzZZz like a baby.

So.. I totally do not know how should I defined my weekend. It's sound "BORED" tho... **sigh**

birthday celebration in my office..

2005-07-29T16:38:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPPPPYYY BIRTHDAY TO me... opps.. (typo error...).... HAPPPPPYY BIRTHDAYYYY TO LE LINGGG...!!!! HAPPY B-I-R-T-H-D-A-Y..... TO YOU...... **applause***

I didn't know it's Le Ling birthday until Kumar mentioned to me that we need to get a birthday cake. I was puzzled - "Damn! who's birthday is it?" **drum rolling** cheng! cheng! it's Le Ling's birthday.

How old is Lei Ling? She turned 18 today... (check it out the candle man...) **winking smile**

So.. we (Kumar, myself, Poh Kheng, Poh Leng, Chee Siang and Pui Yin) drove to pragin mall for lunch and we bought the cake there at Secret Receipe.

Mmm.. can't remember the name of the cake tho. But! it has a very, very tick layer of cheese, chocolate and white cream - sound nice ah.. it is tho - yummy! Check it out the birthday cake... **winking smile**

The cutting ceremony... Check it out the layer of the white cream.. so tick la. We need to swap to another knife because of this.. The cake knife is S-U-C-K-S!!

Anyway... Happy Birthday, Le Ling! May all the happiness and joyo will be with you for always **smile**

what then...

2005-07-29T16:23:00.000+08:00

That cause can never be lost nor stayed
which takes the course of what God has made
and is not trusting in walls and towers
but slowly growing from seeds to flowers

Each noble service that has been wrought

was first conceived as a fruitful thought

each worthy cause with a future glorious

by quietly growing becomes victorious

Thereby itself like a tree it shows
that high it reaches, as deep it grows
and when the storms are its branches shaking
it deeper root in the soil is taking

Be then no more by a storm dismayed

for by it the full grown seeds are laid

and though the tree by its might it shatters

what then, if thousands of seeds it scatters?

Music Video from Blunt..

2005-07-29T11:36:00.000+08:00

I did mentioned about James Blunt before (refer to my previous blog) **winking smile** I heard his songs, in fact.. all of his song from his latest album "Back to Bedlam" but I never came across watching his music video.

So.. when I came back home yesterday - Mmm.. say around 1:45++am (after my work), I switched on to my favorite channel which is "MTV" - I like!!. And S-U-D-D-E-N-L-Y... James appeared. I watched the music video with full concentration (even tho I half dead at that time, damn tired, man..) and try my best not to blink my eyes. Cuz I don't want to miss a thing.. **hehehe**

The music video was cool and simple, I'm lovin it (anyone, feel like eating McD?) **hehehe** I said to myself - the moment I reached the office, I'm doing to download it. But, crap... I can't!! The only reason is because I'm been blocked by the firewall **sigh** However, however.. I have asked Kumar (my colleague) to download it for me **yeah! yeah!** Even he said his voice is like an angel... **see..I told you - it's worth it to buy his album**

Anyway, here is the links for you to check out the music video's from James Blunt...

1. http://www.virgin.net/music/musicvideos/

Have fun... **smile**

i was touched... by Telsa...

2005-07-29T10:02:00.000+08:00

Normal routine for me everytime I reached office. I unpacked my stuffs (boot-up my laptop, organizer etc..), plug my "Sony" mouse, Motorola USB-cable, network cable and the most important of all - my headset. Once my system boot-up... listened to my open ceremony song - "Enigma" (to boost-up myself); checked my outlook emails (so far sooooo... no email); gmail emails (severals); friendster emails (severals) and start blog-ing.

While I was browsing around with Mr Google, an email message notifier pop-up on my screen. I received a short message from Desmond (normal-la) **smile** - commenting on my yesterday blog **smile** I said to myself - "Shit! there's he goes again. Whatelse he want to comment now..(with a big smile on my face when I said that)"

Without reliazing.. while reading his comment, I was smiling and trying so hard to control my tears (I have to control my tears cuz I'm in the office and I don't want to freck anyone here). After reading it, I took a deep breath.. and look around.. and said to myself - "Yeah! Love will find a way; Love's gonna find a way back to me..!" **smile**

It's so amazing, you know.. here you are trying to give up on L-O-V-E but somehow, somewhere and someone have faith in you and asking you not to give up. They could see there's something about you, something that you have inside of you.. but it's sad to say that you... yourself... don't even see it and worse you don't even know it. Well, let's put it this way... it's like someone can see you thru when you are invisible (even you installed the best firewall software to block the unwanted or a solid wall which is better than great-wall-of-china or what-ever shit.. right infront of you, they can just see you thru). Mmm.. except for "Superman" tho, he have the power to scan thru what-ever shit, man.. **smile**

Anyway, here is the song lyric - "Love Song" from Telsa..

So you think that it's over,
Say your love has fin'lly reached the end,
Any time you call, night or day,
'll be right there for you if you need a friend.

It's gonna take a little time,
Time is sure to mend your broken heart,
Don't you even worry, pretty darlin',
I know you'll find love again. Yeah.

Chorus:

Love is all around you,
Love is knockin' outside the door,
Waitin' for you is this love made just for two
Keep an open heart and you'll find love again, I know.

Love is all around you,
Love is knockin' outside the door,
Waitin' for you is this love made just for two
Keep an open heart and you'll find love again, I know

Chorus / Outro:

Love will find a way,
Darlin', love is gonna find a way,
Find its way back to you. Love will find a way,
So look around, open your eyes,
Love is gonna find a way,
Love is gonna, love is gonna find a way,
Love will find a way,
Love's gonna find a way back to you, yeah,
I know. I know. I know

By reading this lyrics (I never heard this song before, need to download it).. it makes me think differently in a way, in what way?!.. well, as long as I know that's what counts **winking smile** But the point here is... I finally reliazed that I have been surrounded by "true friends" that always see me thru when I'm "invisible" and I'm touched... **huggies**

Hot News - CSI in my office..

2005-07-28T15:32:00.000+08:00

Guess what! guess what! I was drafting some stuff in my blog and S-U-D-D-E-N-L-Y..... CRASHED.... BOOM... BENG...

All I could remember is I saw my colleague head under his table (his is name is Joey) and the glass broke into pieces. So, I grabbed my phone and snapped the incident.

Managed to snap some pictures but I was unable to investigate further as I'm afraid the whole glass will fall on me.

Luckily, Joey is alright. No bruises no nothing.. I guess he's been protected by the F-O-R-C-E. The force is with him after all.

Le Ling (the office admin) called the specialist to clean the glass and I finally found the caused of it.

Yes! ladies and gentlemen... his chair "broke". How it broke - it's still under investigation!. I guess we need to escalate it over to the "vendor" or maybe "see you in court" kinda of thing... This must be a quality issue of the chair. How could this happened? This question still playing on my mind. I think we ought to purchase a better quality chair for the sake of the employees in the office. Now, I have a funny feeling sitting down on MY chair near the glass (since my cubic is facing the glass)

Currently, the specialist is cleaning the glasses and Le Ling have to vacum the left overs. Oh boy! what a day.. wish Lyn May is here. We also experienced one incident a few months ago. But this is not a chair... there's this guy (whom to be Lyn May far far away cousin, if I'm not mistaken-la) miss-step and fell off the staircase and hit himself at our glass door.

And we had to drove him to the hospital. Blood all over... damn! this is scary scene. He got cut at his hand and head, I think. The next day, Lyn May received a sms from him and he mentioned that his alright. Phew!

I think Alvin (Lyn May BF) also fell down sitting on this type of chair - I can't remember-la (Lyn, if you happen to read myblog.. Alvin pernah jatuh-kan at our office long time back?)

Do you believe in Feng-sui? I think we need to call Lilian Toto **hehehehe** Lilian To to feng sui our office la. This incident happened twice in a year **sigh**

So.. what next?

should you stay or should you fucking go?

2005-07-28T14:28:00.000+08:00

Every day I read (Cosmopolitan, relationships forum etc) about women and men who want to know if they should stay with someone who has cheated on them. Nearly always, the forum is peppered with reasons why the cheater might have been compelled to cheat, and sometimes even includes rationale why it never would have happened had it not been for the evil home-wrecker who hypnotized the poor, innocent, cheater and forced them into actions against his/her will. The request for help is usually fairly evenly divided between “what should I do?” and “how can I make it stop?”

I been there, and it's not easy to go thru it.

While I consider myself to be quite the mushball romantic, my feelings on cheating have a much harder edge. Cheating, in my opinion, is a deal-breaker.

Stay with a cheater, cheat yourself.

Why shouldn't you stay with someone who cheats on you? If it happens once, it will happen again. Why? If you stay with man or woman who has cheated on you, you've essentially taught them that they can sleep with somebody else and you'll take them back. Wow, that's pretty great news for them, right! Correct me if I'm wrong?

The first time someone cheats on you, he/she has the most to lose because he/she doesn't know what your reaction will be. But, once he's/she's weathered the initial storm, he's/she's knows precisely how you'll react. By the time he's/she's cheated on you twice, three times, thirty-eight times, he/she knows exactly what to expect. Lots of crying and screaming, followed by a few weeks or months of good behavior on his/her part ("failed" suicide attempt - been there) And then, he's/she's on to his/her next aerobics instructor/co-worker/mall vendor. Repeat. Correct me if I'm wrong again?

Even if you manage to get past the lies, the heartache, and the ten pounds you'll put on with comfort food, a cloud will always hang over your relationship. You'll never truly feel cherished, or completely loved. And you deserve better than that, don't you? OF CUZ! Eveybody deserve better than that. Why torture yourself with feelings of self-doubt and insecurity? (I understand very much for those who torture themselves - cuz again, I been there) Tell that cheater to hit the road, lock yourself in your apartment with your closest friends, a stack of sappy movies (or action flicks). Move on, and find someone who gives you the love and respect you deserve. You have the power here! (someone said this sentence to me before but I just can't remember who! I'm sorry, but whoever you are - thanks!)

My girlfriends once said to me (after my horrible heartbreak): People will only treat you as poorly (or as well) as you allow them to. So, draw a line in the sand (I still reminding myself on this...)

As of today, your high standards are renewed.

Now that you're weeding out the losers, what will you do on Saturday night? As for me, I be at the "Torch". Hang-out with the regulars, the guys... and of cuz I be working **smile** But for those who don't have any plans - Here's the answer: You'll only date people who treat you with respect and kindness and dignity. You'll only date people who are enthusiastic to be around you. I choose to date only men who brought me sweets and opened my car door as well, but that's optional (I wonder - is there still guys open a door for a lady now these days?) just joking, ok **hehehe**
From now on, you'll only date people who treat you as though you are a Christmas gift to the universe (do I make any sense at all by saying this, Mmm..) **hehehe** This may narrow the field a little in the beginning, but once you get the hang of it, you'll have only the best dates to choose from. And that's really what it's all about, isn't it?

Whatever that I have said earlier, it goes to myself too. Sometimes you just need someone to remind you all this cuz you intend to slip away or forgotten about it.

There's no advice or magic wand to turn a cheater or abuser into a prince or princess. Consider them a lost cause and move on. Once you set your standards back where they belong, you'll be able to meet and maintain a relationship with the kind of person you truly want to be with.

meet me at one tree hill on Wednesday...

2005-07-28T13:13:00.000+08:00

Once a upon a time... there's this series called "90210 Beverly Hills". Still remember Luke Perry, Shannon, Tori Spelling and Brian Austin Green. Ahaww!! in this series Brian Austin Green is my fav. I still remembered, I screamed his name everytime his face appeared in the series. I even got so upset and depressed when he got married with Tori. Worst of all, in real life.. he hooked up with Tiffani Amber. Damn! anyway, they are not together-gether nomore.. **winking smile**

I wonder.. can we get 90210 BH DVD's like other series? We got Buffy, Charmed, CSI and bla-bla-bla but NO 90210 BH **sigh**

The point is.. if you watched 90210 BH, you will like OTH.

I can't remember how I got hooked with OTH. However, one thing for sure, when astro preview OTH.. the theme song was playing. It sound so damn fimiliar.. and suddenly..

**song lyrics - chorus**

"I don’t want to be anything other; than what I’ve been trying to be lately; All I have to do is think of me; and I have peace of mind; I’m tired of looking ‘round rooms wondering; what I gotta do Or who I’m supposed to be; I don’t want to be anything other than me"

"I’m surrounded by liars everywhere; I turn I’m surrounded by imposters everywhere; I turn I’m surrounded by identity crisis everywhere; I turn Am I the only one to notice?; I can’t be the only one who’s learned"

**song lyrics - end**

I guess I was hooked because of Gavin Degraw **hehehe**. Everbody have their fav cast in their drama series.. as for OTH, my fav is Haley.

The synopsis of this series is about two half-brothers united only by a common name. Sullen Lucas (Chad Michael Murray) was a street-basketball legend in his own small blue-collar community, while his arrogant half-sibling Nathan (James Lafferty) was even more celebrated as the star player of Tree Hill High's varsity basketball squad. Both boys were the sons of former pro basketballer Dan Scott (Paul Johannson), who had long ago abandoned both Lucas and his mother, Karen (Moira Kelly), to start life over with a new wife and family.

These fractious elements came together when Tree Hill coach Whitey Durham (Barry Corbin) pulled strings to have both Lucas and Nathan play on his hoops team. The inbred reality between the half-brothers (who, up until they joined the same team, were unaware that they shared the same parentage) was of course intensified when both set their sights on the same girl, Peyton Sawyer (Hilarie Burton).

Enough of the synopsis, I think it is not to late for you to make a date with OTH every Wednesday at 08:00 pm Astro Channel 70.

A night with Quentin Tarantino...

2005-07-28T09:57:00.000+08:00

**applause** to Quentin Taratino... phew! I was so, so stress out while watching this series. Anyway, bravo! bravo!... **applause** I bet you heard about Quentin Tarantino before. Well, he directed the movie called "Kill Syaquera" (malaysia version).. opps.. **hehehe** actually it's... Kill Bill Vol1 & Vol2 and Pulp Fiction.

I wanted so much to watch F4 last night (psst! psst! F4 means Fantastic 4) **hehehe**, but again I'm tired. So.. I decided to stay home and be an angel **hehehe** When I reached home, I put down my laptop beg, changed my clothes and flipped astro programme channel and AHA! AHA! CSI Finale is at 9pm (and I almost forget all about it, luckily my girlfriend Sha Sha mentioned about it, Thanks girl!). I said to myself - "Phew! lucky me that I didn't go out else...!" While waiting for CSI, I watched "One Tree Hill" channel 70. I been watching this series everyweek... one main reason is because the theme song is from Gavin Degraw - "I don't want to be". Very cool song **smile**

OTH finished at 08:50pm and I rushed out to pack my dinner. I had white rice, omelette and seafood tomyam **yummy** Watched the series while having my dinner.. wa-la-wei.. the finale was really cool. Unfortunately, I can't continue with my food. There's come a point, where the CSI Doctor.. have to pull Nick intestines.. ehew! yucks! and that is so fucking "geli" liao **puke face** So.. I decided not to continue my dinner.

That's it.. CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (original version) have came to it's "finale".. We still got CSI: Miami and CSI: New York. I don't know about the rest of you, but I still like the original version **smile**

I wonder.. whether am I qualified enough to be a CSI agent? Mmm... as long as I don't have to kill cockroaches.. that's fine with me. All I want to do is to kiss some ass (so I can practice my kick-boxing techniques) and to shoot people ass too (since I been playing counter strikes with my ex-dell friends before, this is the moment I used my shooting skills) **hehehe**

Scarlett Johansson kopi-right Syaquera in faceanalyzer

2005-07-27T16:22:00.000+08:00

I was blogg-ing some of the blogs and found an interesting stuff. I was playing with it almost 3 hrs. I was looking high and low for the best picture in order to get best result.. **hehehe** but... P-I-R-A-H!!! result almost the same... Anxiously, waiting for the result... ended up my Celebmatch is "Scarlett Johansson"

One thing for sure, I'm glad that my "gay factor" is very low. Phew! TG! (TG stands for Thank GOD!) I'm straight. Good to know that I'm averagely intelligent **smile** I thought all the while I'm a bit koo-koo **winking smile**

This is interesting, race analysis says - I've got 9% of "east indian", all the while I only know there are north indian and south indian. The north indian is where you can find all the beautiful ladies such as Aishwarya Rai (Ms World), Sumitha Sen (Ms Universe). Not sure of south indian tho.. but as for east indian that there is someone almost to be crown as Ms Torch (unfortunately, she pull herself out for some personal reason) is Ms Syaquera Khan **hehehe** This is totally crap results... ME - "southern european" Ya! kiss my lips, man **hehehe**

Oh ya! Guess what... I saw Keanu in faceanalyzer as well. Wish Sue can view this... (btw! miss you so much gurl!) Check out Keanu result.. he looks Ahaaaawwwww!!! YAHOO! he is not gay.. yeah! yeah! he is not gay...

Anyway.. this link is pretty fun.. http://www.faceanalyzer.com check it out..

ai shiteru - Takeshi Kaneshiro...

2005-07-27T15:47:00.000+08:00

I was google-ing around with my best buddie - Mr Google and asking him to search my lost, lost ex boyfriend (yeah! in my dreams) - Takeshi Kaneshiro. And there you go.. Mr Google provide me few links of "Takeshi Kaneshiro". I'm so W-O-W!!! I started to OOooooOOo-AAAaaaaAAA about him since I went to watch his movie "House of Flying Daggers " with Lyn May. Oh boy! he looks yummy!! This is my dream guy, I love guy with long hair **hehehe**

I was told from another friend of mine (how I wish, I can call him my "bf"..) **sigh** that he has a friend that look like Takeshi and he is working at Gurney Plaza 4th Floor. Yes girls! the look-a-like of Takeshi is here in Penang but unfortunately his taken **sigh**

The more I look at this picture, the more I feel like kissing him. Damn!! look at his lips. I would do anything for him - ANYTHING... Ahawwwwww!!!!

may-day! may-day!.. i tot i saw...

2005-07-27T11:14:00.000+08:00

** Woman using a dummy to wave to an admirer**

I was at the "TORCH" one day, and I was busy serving the customer. The moment when I lift my head up, I saw this guy with a baseball cap, khakis short pants and white collar t-shirt. Out of sudden, my blood go upstairs **hehehe** (lucky it is not blood pressure or what).. my hair all stand up (Desmond! I know you, by the time you read this sentence.. you be thinking to say something funny in my chatterbox or giving me a comment - and Desmond! not that HAIR!!).

As I was saying, he walked towards to the bar. My heart pounding like shit! Oh man! I almost wanted to ask him "What the fuck are you doing here?!" Something pull me back, and I was so fucking lucky I didn't say that. This guy really reminded me of my ex. Side view, long view, short view, back view (Desmond! stop it - not that way, ok) whatever-shit view.. he really reminded me of my ex. There I go again, the moment lead me back to my memory lane.

I started to think about my ex everytime I saw this guy at "Torch". Honestly, I just can't stop looking at him. His smile, body structure, his face impression when he talked.. everything reminds me of my ex. Well! thanks to Desmond... he gave me some guy tips on how to start a conversation. I told Desmond that I'm a shy girl. Mmm.. actually depands tho.. If I don't know that person, and that person happen to be a shy person, I will be "double" shy girl **hehehe** Anyway, I managed to start a conversation with him. I asked him "So.. who is leading the game?" and he answered with a smile. I never felt so nervous before and I felt it at that moment in time. Gosh! phew!....

According to Desmond, if he saw his ex gf, he will run away from them. And I just don't know why he would do that.. As for myself, I either walk over and say "Hello" or just ignore him - as if I don't even know him at all. It easy for me to say, ya! but I just wish I don't have to meet or bump in to them at the first place. Sometimes seeing your ex with another girl is stressful enough as it reminded you to your past and as for my case.. I just can't treat my ex as my friend cuz they are too special to be a friend. Mmm.. anyway.. at least this "guy" indirectly have push me to face my fears!

just another day in $^#^(&(%$#...

2005-07-27T09:40:00.000+08:00

Pressed CTRL + ALT + DEL, enter my username and password.. waited for the system to boot up (shit! took so long. I think I make myself a cup of coffee, my system still under booting mode). Clicked at Outlook icon to check my office emails - Damn! No voice of "YOU GOT MAIL, MOTHERFUCKER" (I have applied this sound file as my program events in email received, so when I received my emails - this sound should be play in my system). Used to receive lots of emails from my clients but now... felt like so unwanted **sigh** Click my WMP icon - stands for Windows Media Player **hehehe** This is a MUST to do for me, I need my mp3's to run everyday no matter what. Put on my headset, blast off with my "opening" ceremony song which is "RETURN to INNOCENCE" from Enigma and followed by my dear, beloved James Blunt songs and the rest (too long to name it) **smile**

Last but not least, I clicked at my IE - stand for Internet Explorer, everybody **winking smile** Since I always got hacked by unrelated spyware stuffs everytime I clicked my IE, I have downloaded a freeware called "AVANT BROWSER". Same concept like IE, one thing great about this software is that it's a freeware (give it a try, great tool). As I were saying.. I checked my gmail, now we are talking!!!... received EMAILS... finally I can hear the beautiful sound in the air - "YOU GOT MAIL, MOTHERFUCKER" **smile** Checked my blog, checked blogs that stalked by me, checked my friendster, google there and here, download some stuffs (wait a minute, hold your thoughts, don't get me wrong ya!! - I download something legal like freeware's not that.. that.. stuffs) **winking smile**

However, I just don't know what to post in my blog today. I'm still blank.. damn!! I just don't know what happen to me lately. I used to have so many things to talk about but it's been 2 days, I'm just not my fucking-self. It's scare me a little. Maybe change of hormon kinda of thing. Women.. I just don't understand them most of the time. Well, I am a women, and I just don't understand myself either. You know like.. when you said "YES".. actually you meant as "NO". When you said "NO", it means "YES". You say "YES", it means "YES".. OMG!! I'm confusing myself here. Hope you understand what I mean here **sigh** I always said this to my girlfriends boyfriends - "Guys! Please don't understand the women, just love them" **smile**

Anyway, yesterday I drop by at "Torch".. Gilbert is on the floor alone (he'e been doing the serving, take orders, cleaning bla-bla-bla). Pity him! so I help him a little, just cleaned the table, take the orders and etc-la **smile** Greg and Beng was there. They played darts, by the way.. they are my "SEE-FU" in darts **hehehe** They asked me to join them but my arm still soar. Jessie keep on asking me to get my dart set soon **hehehe** Ya! ya! I will that for sure, once my "fulus" is in (fulus means salary) **hehehe**

Aha! Met the "Dart" guys (Charles, Yong and Zach), at LAST!!.. it's been awhile they didn't pop up at the "Torch" (3 days ok.. it's been 3 days) Talked to Charles about the Darts Competition, his scored was good but he can't "check-out" the game. Told him that the experience that counts.. and maybe next game will be better **smile** Than Zach and his guy friend drop by too. They played "fusball", no dart for that night **smile** Zach left early (I wonder.. Mmm..) **deep thinking** and followed by Charles and Zach friend. Than Yong appeared. Wow! now.. they didn't pop-up together-gether.. all the while when you see Charles step in, you will see Yong or Zach but now...

I was at the bar, enjoying my coke with one of the regulars, Francis. We talked about boring topic which is "WORK" - argh!! Francis in his early 40's .. asked me a question - why am I not dating with a guy? Mmm.. it's strike me for a sec. I don't know how to answer this question. But I told him that most guys in Penang are turning themselves into gays **hehehe** and that is why I don't have any date invitation **winking smile** He laughed. Than we talked about "LIFE", my favorite topic to discuss **smile**

Looked at the clock is almost 1200am, I smiled to Francis and told him I make a move first. I'm tired, sleepy and sleepy **hehehe** So, I reached home, took my shower and there I go.. I just "BOOM" on my bed. The moment my body touches my bed, I can felt the feeling of "home-sweet-home" Ahaaaaaa!!!! Adjusting myself into my favorite position. Grab Jack (my doggy teddy) hug him to sleep. And I said to myself - "Nothing is nicer than being at home - in your bed" **smile**

Feeling "blank" anyone...

2005-07-26T15:35:00.000+08:00

For the first time, I just don't know what to write. Actually, I got so much things to share but it seem.. everything seem so "blank" in my heart. Darn... I'm sleepy now **big big yawn** I will skip for today....

tru calling for me.. DARTS

2005-07-25T14:47:00.000+08:00

Been "lepaking" at the torch most everyday. I can consider myself as a "regular" customer there. Sometimes I played "pool", sometimes "fusball", sometimes just being "lazy-bum" by sitting down and cit-cat. Now, I have found my new hobby which is - DART.. Yeah! I played darts. I just started playing and started to like it as well, and I thought I might make a fool-out of myself that night cuz I just don't know how to play. Ya! ya! I know - you just need to throw it at the board but seeing the "guys" (I called them the "Torch Pro's") played, it really makes me having the urge of getting my own dart set and start "funking" practice so that I can be in the team **winking smile**

One night, Yong (my new found friend) asked me to play. I told him - "Shit man, I just don't know how to play." And it shown **smile** My grouping totally out (is like everywhere), my aiming totally out too - I aimed at no#20 but it flew to no#3 **sigh** But after a few tips from Greg (my new found friend too).. Hey! I'm not bad at all. Now, my grouping is cool, my aiming is so-so, my focusing is also ok for now but all I need to concerntrate is the consistent of my points. And that is "damn" hard.

I was at the Torch last night. Desmond dropped by to check on me, to make sure that his good friend is all right (well! come to think of it, actually he misses me, he just don't want to admit it) **hehehe** So, we played 1 game of darts. Guess what! he won - shit!! **winking smile** We played 2 games of pool and the score is "1-1" **smile**

Unfortunately, I can't intro Desmond to the "guys" (Charles, Zach, Yong, Greg, Najib, Joe and Spida) as they didn't show up at the "Torch". I was told by Jessie that they re-present Torch for Darts Competition (somewhere at Penang Road, I think la) No wonder, I misses them. Anyway, I said "Wow! DARTS COMPETITION!" And that's the moment I said to myself - Damn! I need to get my own darts soon **hehehe** Since, there's noone playing darts, I decided to pratice my aiming, throwing, gripping, focusing and calculation. Yes! you read right - CALCULATION.. This is a very healthy game in the sense that you can refresh your MATH equations perfectly. Damn! I need to use my fingers to add/minus tho - see! how bad is my math. No wonder I didn't score my Math during school time (that's explained)

Jessie provided me some tips and tricks - Thanks! man... He's cool. We played 1 game and he hit 21 dart to "check-out" the game. Based on the rules & regulations, he qualified to re-present Malaysia for Dart Competition. Wow! isn't that great.

Woke up this morning, I felt my shoulder so soar. Damn! However! it's worth the soar **smile**

what so beautiful about Penang...

2005-07-22T15:58:00.000+08:00

Some people have their own reasons why they like Penang? Or otherwise.. For me.. I just love walking along the beach and wait for the sunset. I can't do this in my hometown. However, last night I had a buffet dinner at City Bayview (right at the top of the building).. so.. I managed to snap a few pictures how Penang would look like.. Check it out..

**Penang - at 6:30 ++pm**

Picture above shown the other side of Penang. Mmm.. I guess this is more towards to the jetty view. The other side of the horizon is Butterworth. Nice view ah! **smile**

**Penang at 7:15++pm**

Sunset at Penang, everyone! That is E&O Hotel - very very very damn expensive hotel... **winking smile**

**Penang at 09:47 ++ pm**

Can't really see a single thing but this is how it looks like. By the way, all the pictures are taken with my phone camera.. so.. the resolution are not that good.

faces around you...

2005-07-22T09:32:00.000+08:00

Had a company meeting yesterday. Ate buffet dinner with our business partners. Had fun last night with all my colleagues. Ate a lot by the way..

While everyone busy with their stuffs, I walked away from the crowd and sit at one corner. Observing each and everyone in the room. I saw laughing faces, serious faces (I guess they are busying discussing something) and indescribable faces.. **winking smile** I turned my face away and saw myself in the mirror.. there you go.. a face which I don't even know how to start off.. **sigh** Well, enough about me..

What I'm trying to say here is that all the faces that I saw in the room, they’re respected by people around them, they're loved by people around them, they're celebrated even.. by people around them. And that made me feel like I could do anything. I didn’t have to explain, or justify anything, or apologise... I could just choose to do what I want to do and see how people reacted...

Quote - "Perhaps after all our worries and questions, we’ll discover that all along God had the right thing at the right time for us. Perhaps His plan is more wonderful than anything we could create by ourselves - whether it comes with 'pomp and blare,' or quietly, 'like an old friend.' Perhaps... perhaps... we should entrust our questions of 'How?' and 'Who?' and 'When?' into His tender care."

Gilbert Cartoon - Quotes Contest...

2005-07-21T16:32:00.000+08:00

Received an email from my friend, Kumar. Check out the best 10 quotes in Gilbert Cartoon Quote Contest...

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking forpeople to submit quotes from their real-life dilbert-type managers. Here are the top ten finalists:

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building usingindividual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday andemployees will receive their cards in two weeks."(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA)

2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we mightencounter."(Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should beused only for company business."(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are moreimportant interfere with it."(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."(Plant manager, Delco Corporation)

6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've beenworking on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let youknow when it's time to tell them."(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing 3M Corp.)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When Itold my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss workon the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going todiscuss it with the employees."(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning aproject I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to askfor it!"(Hallmark Cards Executive)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When Itold my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss workon the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burialto Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going todiscuss it with the employees."(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning aproject I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. Hesaid, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to askfor it!"(Hallmark Cards Executive)

mixed relationship anyone?

2005-07-21T14:06:00.000+08:00

You heard of mixed marriage/relationship before right - malay & chinese; chinese & indian; ang mo kau (mat salleh) & whichever races la.. So that is so so common. But have you ever in a mixed relationship before? Is it difficult? I guess for other races would not be a big a deal.. but for malay it would be a bit difficult. Why do I say so.. Mmm.. Oh well, SIMPLE - if you are a girl, you have to convert yourself and it goes the same thing if you are a guy.

Honestly, I been there. It sad to say that the only reason why it ended will always be the "RELIGION" issue. Why? Why it have to be an issue? I'm still wondering. Religion suppose to be in your HEART.. and it's stay there. Not meant to be place at your MOUTH. The reasons are basically either the parents or the person themselves.

Let's see the parents point of view. Why the parents take this as an issue to break someone heart? And that someone is NOT someone but their own children. Why the parents have the heart to do that to their own children? Why? Is it because the "RELIGION"!! Don't they want to see their children happy in their life? Don't they suppose to be happy to see that their children happy with someone that love their children sincerely? What is wrong with parents now these days? Or what is wrong with the "RELIGION"? What makes them the parents think that way?

Now the person point of view. What would you do when this issue arise? Will you back off by breaking up with him/her? "Oh honey, I'm sorry. I can't proceed with you nomore and have a serious relationship, it's my parents. They disagree with our relationship?" - would you say that? Or would you stand up for what you believe for? Would you take the risk to go thru the hazzles? Would you sacrifice? Love need sacrifices. You may have your own reasons why you backing off because at this moment I can't really thing of other reasons except for obeying the parents advice or you "yourself". Don't you think that sometimes you just have to stand up for your life? Why you have to walk away? Why you have to follow what your parents says? I know they are your parents but you have you own life to walk thru, right. Aren't you suppose to make your own decisons and follow it? Will you happy after you let your love one go? Do you have the heart seeing your love one heartbroken in pieces? Or maybe you just don't have any BALLS or GUTS at all? Maybe you just using him/her for something else - maybe money, sex.. etc?

I think.. it will always come back to YOU. WHAT DO YOU WANT IN YOUR LIFE? Do you want to be the puppet and let the puppet master control your life? Are you happy with that? Again, all the questions will point over to YOU. And YOU the only person should know how to answer all these questions. YOU.....

As for myself, I don't mind having another races as my soulmate. They are still human beings. The only thing that categorized us is the "RELIGION" but we are still human and nothing can changed that. As I said, we need to respect other races/religion but not by mentioning or making a point that "Hey! you can't proceed this relationship with him/her. He/she is different religion.!!" I believed that is not the right way. I maybe have difficulties with my parents or maybe not. But if I do face the difficulties.. as long as I know what really makes me happy.. meaning what makes my heart happy, I will stand up for what I believe in and hoping my partner would do the same thing. I know my partner have to sacrifice slightly more things in his side, but I will always stand beside him "not behind" him nor "not infront" of him but BESIDE him all the way thru. I know it's hard to sustain but if we do it together, the burden will not be that heavy.

There's a movie quote for this - "Marriage/Relationship has less beauty but more safety than a single life; it’s full of sorrows and full of joys. It lies under more burdens, but it is supported by all the strengths of love, and those burdens are delightful."

I hope to all the couples out there, whom still struggling in their relationship - this is for you - "Love is like a battlefield!"....

falling in love with james blunt...

2005-07-21T09:37:00.000+08:00

While busying "back-up-ing" (I know there's no such word... so what!) my data.. my CEO son, Michael whom also my superior (in a way - but not directly), "msn-ing" me. He said "hey! have you heard "james blunt" yet?". I said "Nope, cuz the cd is not out yet". So.. we chatted about "james blunt" (ahawww!!). How I wish I got "james blunt" songs now.. (that's what I told in-directly) and Michael just zipped it up and send to my gmail **YAHOO!!** I was so happy and excited **yeah! go james blunt, go james blunt yeah!**

You wouldn't know how excited I was to receive the songs. I "unzipped" it, "listened' to the songs and right away "burned" it. I been listening to the songs - day in day out - continously.. everyday.. (if Lyn May would be beside me now, she would have "swearing" at me or maybe shut down my notebook) **hehehe + winking smile** Anyway, you must be wondering - what so good about james blunt songs? Mmm.. you need to listen to the song and understand the lyrics - than you know what I meant. I love any song that have accoustic guitar tune and piano too. And "james blunt" have those. Check it out the lyrics (I published one of the lyric in my ::my lyricsbox::), beautifully written.

I browsed around in James Blunt web - www.jamesblunt.com Managed to copy/paste some comments from other listeners. Check it out:

I LOVE YOU YOU HAIRY BEAST - MR JACKSON, NOTTINGHAM

James I am listening to goodbye my lover whilst typing this. Your A star Your music is fab. Bought the cd for my mum and she loves it! I got this cd last week for my birthday and I cant stop listening to it. The lyrics are great and your voice is superb - Claire Stewart, Manchester

Damien Rice, John Mayer, move over. James Blunt is the talent and English to boot. Fantastic Album, acan't stop listening to it. - Tom, Glasgow

Just pure brilliance!! such ggod songs not heard anything as good since keane!! James will be the next big star! - Brad, Blackburn

Back to Bedlam is a perfect album. - Elizabeth, Essex

Everything about him is beautiful - I'm hooked! - Syaquera, Malaysia

I'm not going to copy/paste no more.. cuz it's too many. You have to check it out by yourself now, here's the link - http://www.bbc.co.uk/ Gurls, check his photo as per below.. he doesn't look like Tom Cruise, John Mayer or Brad Pitt or David Beckham.. but his voice, the way he sing his song - it's good enough to make my heart A-H-A-W-W!!! **heart mealting**

**ex-army James Blunt**

So, get the album - it's WORTH it. Trust me! **huggies for james blunt** By the way, Desmond.. when you going to teach me how play his song with my guitar la?

Note: James Blunt - your songs is my "panadol"...

dedicated to all couples...

2005-07-20T17:27:00.000+08:00

Guys and Gurls, is this true? Check it out.. **smile**

When a GIRL is quiet
Millions of things are running in her mind

When a GIRL looks down
It means she's uncomfortable

When a GIRL is not arguing
She is thinking deeply

When a GIRL looks at you with eyes full of questions
She is wondering how long you will be around

When a GIRL answers "I'm fine" after a few seconds
She is not at all fine

When a GIRL stares at you
She is wondering why you are lying

When a GIRL lays on your chest
She is wishing for you to be hers forever

When a GIRL calls you everyday
She is seeking for your attention

When a GIRL wants to see you everyday
She wants to be pampered

When a GIRL says "I love you"
She means it

When a GIRL says that she can't livewithout you
She has made up her mind that you are her future

When a GIRL says "I miss you"
No one in this world can miss you more than that

Fed Up?

2005-07-20T16:05:00.000+08:00

You are fed up with words, and I don't blame you.
I am nauseated by them sometimes. I
am also, to tell the truth, nauseated by ideals and with causes.
This sounds like heresy, but I think you will understand what I mean.

It is so easy to get engrossed with ideas and slogans
and myths that in the end one is left holding the bag, empty,
with no trace of meaning left in it.

And then the temptation is to yell louder than ever in order to make the meaning be there again by magic.
Going through this kind of reaction helps you to guard against this.
Your system is complaining of too much verbalizing, and it is right...

The big results are not in your hands or mine, but they suddenly happen,
and we can share in them; but there is no point in building our lives on this personal satisfaction,
which may be denied us and which after all is not that important.

phone conversation with my daddy...

2005-07-20T10:48:00.000+08:00

Normally, I don't really like to write my personal details in my own blog. I have my own reason why. But today conversation with my daddy.. makes me want to share. Well, I had a talk with my mummy yesterday, and I felt so bad that I make her cried. However, things are alright now between us with just one "promise".. which is.. I need to call them EVERYDAY!! Not to say that I didn't call them, which I did (maybe it's not enough for them)- but anyway, I promised her.

So, as promised.. I called home. Daddy picked up the phone. Out of sudden, my mind flew back to my memory lane. I keep on telling myself - "What would I do without my daddy?" For sure, I can't loose him now, NOT NOW. We talked - asking each other how are you? have you eaten? bla-bla-bla (normal daughter and father conversation). I guess if you are a father and you have a daughter, no matter how grown you are, you are still his "baby" girl **hehehe** Trust me! I have been there and sometimes it's a bit hard to get yourself out from there, but that is the fact.

Daddy mentioned that I have to appreciate what I have so far. And proud with it. He also said "No matter what we just can't surrender on whatever shit that we going to face (daddy never use the word "shit" tho, just me!!), we also need to strive for the best in life (up to our capabilities)" Now, I MISS my daddy..

Larry, my buddy did mentioned to me once... "Don't let the world stuff make you crazy. It's just the OPENING"..

Note: daddy & mummy.. I know for sure that you both won't be checking my blog, anyway.. I know that I caused you pain, hurt and troubled in the past.. but.. I want you both to know that no matter what happened I will always love you both with all my heart.

once, twice, three times a ....

2005-07-20T10:34:00.000+08:00

Try harder at making things make sense more often. Don’t lead people on with false hopes for humor when it really isn’t even funny at all

Push this button— This means you, Lady!!

terror STRIKES malaysia...

2005-07-19T11:56:00.000+08:00

Mmm.. I was surprised to read today newspaper. Front page - "APs awards list released". What is AP stand for? Well, it meant as Approved Permits. This is one thing I hate the most - "POLITICS". Why? Why?

each life has it's place.. do you think so?

2005-07-18T11:43:00.000+08:00

I certainly am not the first person to feel this way. Perhaps all of us, somehow, are seeking meaning. Many of us long for immortality. Leaving a legacy is one way for us to become immortalized. People create legacies in different ways. Some become parents: They bear children, pass on their genes, they may even pass on their wisdom, and it is through their children that they leave a legacy behind. Some people need to build something physical, like a skyscraper or a cathedral, to leave their legacy. Authors leave their books and articles. Songwriters leave their lyrics. Most of us try to leave something "concrete" behind.

However, it is unnecessary to leave behind something concrete in order to leave a legacy. What gives our lives meaning, I believe, is how we touch the lives of others. Unless we choose to live in complete isolation, we all touch the lives of other people constantly. Every interaction we have, even for the briefest moment, is an exchange of energy: it is an opportunity to affect another person either in a positive way or in a negative way. Often, we are completely unaware of the ways in which we touch or affect others. Yet we do… all the time. We do not always know why we are here (and it's still bother me soemtimes..) **sigh!**, how we can fulfill our destiny (i'm still struggling here..) **smile**, or what will give our lives meaning.

Perhaps you were put on this Earth for the one moment that you chose to smile at a stranger passing by. A small gesture, yes or maybe no..However, it is possible that that stranger was feeling utterly alone and in the depths of despair, and, unbeknownst to you, that one act of kindness, that moment of connection, influenced that person to choose to live another day… You may wonder, "What possible meaning could there be for the life of a beggar on the street?" Perhaps that beggar was put there to teach one person to feel compassion…

Even the newborn child who dies during childbirth touches the lives of a mother, relatives, and friends. That child may be teaching those around him or her about love, loss, and the preciousness of life. We cannot always know which of our actions will help us to fulfill our purpose for being on this planet. All that we can do is to do our best. We can try to remain aware and to affect the lives of others in a positive way, by smiling more often and sending good energy out to those we encounter in our daily lives.

My buddy Larry.. was telling me something to do about LIFE. There are a million things a WANT to do or succeed it, but life isn't like that for most of us. We just succeed in some things and can decide if we are happy or not. The equation of it is more like place+time+experiences+fate. You can take the most simple idea of life, or most complex that you want.

Through it all, maybe we just need simply to trust the words, "Each life has its place." Trust this. YOUR life has its place.

My wish to all - May you make that discovery with joy **huggies**

My Friday Story - The Last Patient

2005-07-15T14:18:00.000+08:00

"YOU GOT MAIL, MOTHERFUCKER" - that voice recorder will be played when I received new email **hehehe** Isn't it COOL!? **smile** Once you in the Technology line (IT), you sure be getting all things "junks".. either you download it, attachment from friends and what-so-ever shit **hehehe**

Back to my point here, this email was forwarded from a friend. At first I was so so so wanting to delete it (to be honest, to lazy to read) but when I scroll down towards to the end of the story.. it's just strike me. So, I read it and I think it would be great to share with you all.

Check the story out - The last patient...

As a young child I had the honor to spend a great deal of time with my father. He was a young Orthopedic Doctor and made house calls. As I recall we would visit his patients once a week. I'm sure they were all important, but; the one I remember was a young girl Jill, that was my age and lived in an iron lung. She had polio. We became friends; I think my first one. All the other patients were older and it seemed more like work when we visited.

I remember Jill's house as square and sitting in the middle of a double lot with large pecan trees around it, very symmetrical. It was cool during the hot Texas summers we didn't have air conditioners then. I remember that it was pleasant to go to her house, it was cool and it didn't smell like some of the other "houses". Patients in casts and traction don't get to bathe very well. Let's just say it didn't smell pleasant and neither does infection.

I liked to go to Jill's house. As were drove up I anticipated the feel of the cool air as we walked up the walk to the large front porch. You couldn't tell from the outside what you would find as you opened the front door. In the middle of the front room was an iron lung. I think it was placed there not so much because it wouldn't fit in the other room's, but that Jill's parents wanted her to have chance to meet everyone that visited. They had a chair beside her for me to sit and talk to her when we came.It was always nice to talk with Jill. She was my age. I would tell her about ! what I was doing. She would tell me about what she could remember doing and what she wished she could do. Kid's stuff. It seems as though the visit was all about us. I would talk to Jill and my Dad would talk to her parents. They would check on us once in a while.

I guess when they got finished we would go; but I didn't want to, our conversations were never over. Jill was my first friend/patient. I liked being there. I looked forward to our visits and so did she. We always had unfinished things to talk about. It seemed as though I was important then.One day we were on our visits. As we left the "last" patient and were driving down the road, my Dad didn't make the turn to Jill's house. "Dad you missed the turn to Jill's house."
He said "Jill's not with us anymore". I didn't understand. I hadn't finished our last conversation. We had things to talk about. It was "my job".I wonder why people need to hear "everything happens to us for a reason, and it serves us", or, "ponder what you want people to say at your funeral", or many others sayings.

I was given the gift of "knowing" that every moment could be my last since I was six. It might not be what you want, you may not like it but please don't waste it. Jill never made me feel like some day we wouldn't talk. Thank you Jill.

So.. I believed the moral of the story is.. LIVE YOU LIFE TO THE FULLEST CUZ YOU WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN NEXT.. **winking smile**

the moral stroy of - The Beauty or the Beast..

2005-07-15T12:05:00.000+08:00

King Arthur was imprisoned by an evil monarch. The monarch offered to free Arthur, as long as he could answer
the question: What do woman really want? Arthur spoke to everyone he knew, nut no-one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Finally, he consulted a witch, who was hunchbacked and hideous. She told him, What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life. However, in returns for the answer, she wanted to marry Arthur. He had no choice but to agree.

That night, Arthur, steeling himself in a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But instead, he saw the most beautiful woman he had ever seen on the bed. The witch told Arthur that she was under a curse, which allowed
her to be the beautiful woman she was only for the day.

Which would he prefer? Arthur decided that he would allow her to make her own choice. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time.

The moral of the story? If you don't let a woman have her way, things are going to get ugly (Yeah! WOMEN POWER!!)

People Confess: What Makes Them Fall in Love..

2005-07-15T11:05:00.000+08:00

Most people have a hard "enough" time admitting that they've fallen in love with another, never mind explaining what brought on such "euphoria" in the first place (got this word from the dictionary.. - it means A feeling of great happiness or well-being) **smile** Even women -- the fairer, more verbal sex -- rarely go into detail about how their hearts were won. Maybe that's just because, according to an old Chinese proverb, "Couples who love each other tell each other a thousand things without talking." Um, right!

Do you ever wonder what makes you fall in love with someone? (aha! question of the day!?) If you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, do you know why you fall in love with him/her? What makes you fall in love with him/her? Do you ever thought about it before? I bet you do or maybe you don't, but again.. what.. what makes you fall in love? **deep thiking smile**

No doubt that everybody falls in love, but what actually triggers it? Mm.. sometimes you fall in love with someone without any reasons, you just fall in love.. I always asked this question to my girlfriend "boyfriend" - what makes you fall in love with her? Oh well! most of them said "I just fall in love with her, no reason. love don't need any reason why you fall in love". His answer striked me.. well, he got a point there but again everything happened for a REASON. There's MUST be a reason why you fall in love? There MUST be a reason what makes you fall in love? (damn! now I know that sometimes LOVE can just make you feel so fucking confused) **hehehe**

I managed to read some stuffs here and there about this matter, let's check it out what "outside" people have to say about this.. **winking smile** Here are their comments:

"I fell in love with my fiance, and I didn't even see it coming. One day I didn't get a chance to see her and found myself missing her smile, her laugh, her smell. You begin to recognize, expect and miss the way she does things or makes you feel. And then she surprises you, and you love her even more. I love the way she walks, moves, even the way she puts things in her purse."

"I fall in love with someone who can make me laugh, who makes me smile the moment I hear her voice or see her face, who can make me forget everything else going on around me. Her presence alone is enough to make me feel like the most important person in the world. (She should feel the same way about herself in my presence. It's a two-way street.)"

"Let's look at love like a body of water. To reach the deep end, you must first travel through the shallow end. With that in mind, I feel that initially there has to be physical attraction. It's also important to 'like' the woman before you can love her. I think when it all comes down to it, what makes me fall in love with a woman is being able to talk with her. Every guy I know who's in love has a story that sounds something like this: 'I think this could be it. The other night, we just talked for like eight hours with no uncomfortable silence!'"

"I love it when women can do guy stuff better than me. Everyone is a better driver than I am -- in fact, everyone's blind, drunken grandmother is a better driver than I am -- so that doesn't count, but women who do things like eating hot peppers or belching or enjoying war movies make me crazy in the good way."

There you go.. the comments. What do you think? So.. what makes you fall in love?

Note: Desmond, I hope noone "outside" there will fall in love with women ass as their main reason what makes they fall in love? **hehehe + winking smile**

Through The Rain - anybody need an umbrella?

2005-07-15T10:14:00.000+08:00

Woke up this morning, feeling so damn fucking sleepy (always have problem waking up in morning especially on weekdays lately) **hehehe** I said to myself - "Damn! there I go again, facing another day - what next?!" **winking smile** I walked towards to my lit' window in my room, Oh! boy.. the beach looks so calm **ahawww!!** I just took a deep breath and let go slowly.. look around my room.. turn on my "astro - channel V.. channel that I like.." and saw Mariah "Mimi" Carey music video "Through the rain".. Out of sudden, I felt the vibration of the song. Felt so damn alive.. **smile** Sometimes when you listen to a song that really captured your attention, you can feel the vibration and your hair starting to "stand up", know what I mean.. else forget about it la!!!!.

Reached office, I download the song lyrics, read thru.. Not bad at all. You know what! when you are in doubt in any situation.. example: like you felt down, de-motivated, sad bla-bla-bla.. kinda good to listen to these type of songs just to boost your self-esteem up, know what I mean.. (well! Desmond asked me to sing YNWA song when I'm sad..) **winking smile**

So, here's Mariah song lyrics.. maybe it will help you in a way..

When you get caught in the rain
With nowhere to run
When you’re distraught and in pain
Without anyone
We keep prayin’ to saved
But nobody comes
And you feel so far away
That you just can’t
Find your way home
You can get there alone
It’s okay What you say

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I’m strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain

And if you keep falling down
Don’t you dare give in
You will arise safe and sound
So keep pressing on Step fastly
And you’ll find what you need
To prepare

And when the wind moves
And shadows grow close
Don’t be afraid There’s nothing you can’t face
And sure they tell you
You’ll never pull through
Don’t hesitate
Stay calm and sane

**thanks mariah carey! for providing us with such a beautiful songs to keep people like me.. to fucking MOVING ON**

my fav quote: "Everyone must go through a storm to get to a rainbow."

"Is it love you're feeling or just an infatuation?"..

2005-07-14T12:32:00.000+08:00

This is what I believe, "Infatuation is instant desire" - one set of glands calling to another. "Love is friendship" - that has caught fire. It takes root and grows, one day at a time (I think la!!) **smile**

Infatuation is marked by a feeling of insecurity. You are excited and eager but not genuinely happy (I'm too sure of this, as I don't really experience it before but most of my girlfriends do) **winking smile** There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions, little bits and pieces about your beloved that you would just as soon not examine to closely. It might spoil the dream.

Love is the quiet understanding and mature acceptance of imperfection. It is real! (I can't prove it but you just have to experience it yourself than you will understand) **smile** It gives you "strength" and "grows" beyond you - to bolster your beloved. You are warmed by his/her presence, even when he/she is away. Miles do not separate you. You have so many wonderful little films in your head that you keep replaying. But near or far, you know he/she is yours and you can wait (so, do you understand what it means now - or you too stuck up to admit you are..) **winking smile**

Infatuation says, "We must get married right away. I can't risk losing him." Love says, "Be patient. Don't panic. Plan your future with confidence."

Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement. Whenever you are together you hope it will end in intimacy. Love is not based on sex. It is the maturation of friendship that makes sex so much sweeter. You must be friends before you can be lovers.

Infatuation lacks confidence. When he's away, you wonder if he is cheating. Sometimes you check and hired the private investigator **sigh!**

Love means trust. You are calm, secure and unthreatened. He/She feels your trust, and it makes him/her even more trustworthy (depands how lucky you are to get a guy/gurl that knows how to really, really appreciate you else F-U-C-K it)

Infatuation might lead you to do things you will regret, but love never steers you in the wrong direction.

Love is elevating. It lifts you up. It makes you look up. It makes you think up. It makes you a better person than you were before (ahaww! just love this feeling, it just make you feeling so alive)

Special note:

To all my girlfriends - may you find your soulmate that treat you like an angel, honour your heart like a diamond and appreciate the unconditional love given by you for always.

To all my boyfriends - may you find your soulmate that treat you like a devil - opps.. sorry dudes.. treat you like a M-A-N!!

And for myself - keep on waiting.. (Oi! whoever you are, don't take your own fucking time la.. can't wait too long.. later no VALUE) **hehehe**

stevie wonders says - conversation's peace..

2005-07-14T11:25:00.000+08:00

Someone asked me to download this song lyrics and try to understand what it means. He said that this song lyrics is so so suitable for me (I guess when he listened to this song, he just tot of me - ahawww!) **smile**. So.. I managed to download it (still I don't know how the song sound like). I still have puzzled with the meaning of this song - Mmm.. (how ah!)

Check this out..

Staring right at 2000 AD
As if mankind's atrocities to man has no history
But just a glance at life in 2000 BC
We find traces of man's inhumanity to man
There's no mystery

All for one, one for all
There's no way we'll reach our greatest heights
Unless we heed the call
Me for you, you for me
There's no chance of world salvation
Less the conversation's peace

We can't pause, watch and say "no" this can't be
When there's a plan by any means to have
Cleansing of one's ethnicity
And we shouldn't act as if we don't hear nor see
Like the holocaust of six million Jews and
A hundred and fifty million blacks during slavery

When publicly or privately convened
May love, positivity and life's preservation be the basic theme
And shouuld you put your trust in some prophet in life
Give him trust but your faith must stay with the one
Who gave the ultimate sacrifice for...

Note: which part of the song that really suitable on me ah? **hehehe**

My farewell Dinner...

2005-07-13T17:19:00.000+08:00

Oh yes! you are damn right!. I'm resigning from my current company. My friend Lyn May have flew and landed at another company (miss you, gurl!) **huggies** and now it's my turn - I'm counting the days. Anyway, our fellow colleagues would like to throw us a farewell party, so - OK lor **smile** We had our farewell dinner at "Francis" (behind Penang Plaza - if you not Penang people, don't waste your time cracking your brain out to know where it is) **winking smile** Honestly, the food there, not bad at all, not bad at all.

So.. what I have to do is, just pass RM23/- to Lyn May and Kumar, and they handle the rest. Mmm.. I can't remember what food we had, but it superb!! Check it out the photo below - aha! got lamb, salad.. sorry! totally can't remember.

**the food, babe**

We had so much fun and we conquered the whole shop until walk-in people need to think twice whether should they come in or not (since I'm sitting near to the main door) As normal, we snap picture there and here for rememberance, luckly.. noone cries **winking smile**

**my B-Global colleagues**

There you go.. B-Global workers. Allow me to identify them (good practice for myself also) **hehehe**

From the left (sitting) - Kian Lee (senior developer), Patrick (implementer), Joey (junior developer), Beh (junior developer), and Mmm.. if I'm not mistaken Carolyn boyfriend (which I forgotten his name - sorry, man!)

From the back (standing) - Lyn May (implementer - in pink), Suh Im (Developer Mgr), myself, See See (senior developer - in yellow or orange, not to sure on the colours) and Mekala (junior developer)

From the right (sitting) - Poh Kheng (junior developer, also my badminton/futsol member), Pui Yin (junior developer), Poh Leng (junior developer, also my badminton/futsol member) and Carolyn (implementer)

From the left (standing) - Eric (senior developer), Sean (junior developer), Chee Siang (senior developer, I think this guy promote already la), Swee Teong (senior developer) and Loh (senior developer). Mmm.. Fredrick is not in the picture, cuz he is in Taiwan or China (I think - anyway, sorry gurls! no picture of him, btw - his TAKEN) **big big smile**

**the Manager's**

From the right - Lai Kuan (in blue stripes - lucky not black/white else like zebra, just joking ah!!) **hehehe**, Lyn May and Sujah.

From left - Andrew (he teaches me one fine sentence - talk cork, sing song!!) **hehehe** and Le Ling. Oh ya! Danny is not around, I'm not sure where he is but his somewhere la.. Sorry! no picture of him.

Before we end our farewell dinner, me and Lyn May need to give a farewell speech. How I wish I remember what I said.. but one thing for sure, I didn't use my favorite word la (if you guys read my blog, you should know!!) **winking smile**

**me with my stupid speech - in candid**

The fear of dating.. are you not?

2005-07-13T14:27:00.000+08:00

Do you remember the line from the movie, "When Harry Met Sally," in which soon-to-be-married Marie and Jess are lying in bed after consoling their friends, Harry and Sally? Marie turns to Jess and says, "Please tell me I will never have to be out there again!" There is a good chance, if you are reading this blog, that you and/or a close friend are back out there, again, in the dating arena. For many, the re-entry to meeting new people and dating is downright scary; it is the last thing they truly want to do. I am sure that most of us, at some point in our lives, have uttered a similar phrase to the one that Marie shared with Jess. It is unfortunate, today, that relationships end at such an alarming rate (do you agree with me?!)

These endings put us back in that place we all detest **smile** Once again, we must force ourselves back out there to find that special, unique person with whom to share our love and our life (darn! not again.. ya! ya! I know) Some of us have no problem returning to the dating scene. We feel it is like riding a bicycle: we never forget how to do it. Others, though, are left with unresolved hurts: self esteem issues and traumas from past relationships (ehem! like myself - sigh!) Many feel, based on past experiences, that it is just not worth the effort: they are prepared to go it alone (that MOFO caused me this, shit!!) **argh** Some may find themselves suddenly and surprisingly single, after having been in a very long-term relationship. Today it is not uncommon to find people single again after 10 - 25 years of being in a loving relationship.

Each day I meet single men and women (mostly are my circle-of-friends) I hear the excuses of why they are not dating and trying to meet the one for them. Excuses like:

I will never love again; my ex was the only one for me.
I do not know how to do this dating thing.
I have trouble meeting people.
I am too old.
I am not attractive anymore.
I have children.
My job is too demanding.
I have no time.
I will never trust someone again.
I am not capable of loving.

These are just a few of the excuses that come to my mind, right now (damn! I just can't think more at this moment): excuses that prevent people from re-entering the dating scene **winking smile** One thing, though, I have learned in my life: life just is not as much fun when you are alone. At some point, after getting over the hurt from the last relationship -- and dealing with any past emotional baggage -- you need to get back into the saddle again, so to speak (agree with me, people?!) **rolling eyes smile** Dating and meeting new people should be a fun experience -- not a fearful one. Sure, we all have had the date from hell, but I am sure the nice experiences outweigh the occasional bad ones.

In order to get back to dating, you have to remove your fears (it takes time to move the fears away, not an easy task to do - been there!) **winking smile** This is your key to successfully making dating a fun experience (if you ever manage to clorox your fear away la) Should you have difficulties with your fears associated with dating, I would advise that you seek the counsel of a good friend who might have gone through the same thing, or consult a professional to help you overcome your fears (thanks Desmond, Yan and CK! you are my professional helpers) **huggies**

You might say to yourself, "I am a loser, I'm fucking useless" (I did this a lot of times - countless) **sigh** And most of my professional helpers will said "No you are not!" Now all you have to do is lose your fears, put out the effort to meet new people, date, and have fun. Eventually, you will find the one for you (I will find mine.. else I will re-consider becoming a lesbo) **hehehe**

Movie quote from "Fool Rush In" - "You will never know love unless you surrender to it"

the upside of my anger...

2005-07-13T13:41:00.000+08:00

I was at the "Torch" yesterday, enjoying my coke with lemon and the music playing on the air. I was at the bar chatting with Jessy (the owner of the pub) about cars. Out of the sudden, when I look around, there's one spot that catched my eyes, the "fusball" corner. Sue! Sue! How I miss Sue so much.. wonder what is she doing now at that moment in time. Hardly see the guys too - Spida, Joe, Najib and Nikki. Miss the moments.

Oh ya! Jessy and me managed to play one game of fusball - Damn!.. I LOST!! This is the moment I need SUE!! SUE! H-E-L-P.. **hehehe** (Miss you badly, gurl)

A friend drop by, Jit and we enjoyed each other company. We discuss lots of stuffs, what stuffs? **winking smile** Basically, he was commenting about my blog. He said I published too much stuffs that related with anger, frustration and bla-bla-bla. Well! I guess that is what BLOG is fucking for **smile**

When I reached home and jump in on my bed, I re-call back our conversation regards on anger, sad, frustration and whatever shit that related to that la.. And I think ANGER and RESENTMENT can stop you in your tracks, that's what I know now.. **Sigh!**

It needs nothing to burn but the air and the life that it swallows and smothers. It's real, though.. the FURY.. even when it isn't. It can "change" you, "turn" you, "mold" you and "shape" you into someone you are not. The only upside to ANGER, then is the person you become. Hopefully someone that wakes up one day, and reliazes they are not afraid of it's journey.

Someone that knows that the truth is at best, a partially told sotry. That ANGER, like "growth", comes in spurts and fits and in it's wake leaves a new chance at acceptance and promise of calm.

Then again, what would I know.. I know no SHIT!!

That's LIFE!!! - right! Jit..

Where is the One safe place..?

2005-07-13T09:44:00.000+08:00

How I wish now at this moment of time, someone would just "hug" me tight and whisper to me "everything going to be fine, you wait and see.. you will find your one safe place" **smile**

Checked out the poem as per below:

How many roads you've travelled
How many dreams you've chased
Across sand and sky and gravel
Looking for one safe place

Will you make a smoother landing
When you break and full from grace
Into the arms of understanding
Looking for one safe place

Life is trial of fire
And love's the sweetest taste
And I pray it lifts us higher
To one safe place

Note: where is my one safe place? when will i be getting my one safe place? Or there's no fucking one fucking safe place for me at all.. (it's just an impression, readers - just an impression!!)

Love or Lust???

2005-07-12T19:18:00.000+08:00

People call it LOVE. People call it LUST. But what is it actually?

To me it is a blend of LOVE and LUST infact, lust within love. Isn't it? LOVE is emotional, or I should say psychological. And LUST is physiological. "God" had been wise enough to put a balance between physiology and psychlogy. Thats why love is there, and so is the lust.

A lots of explanations have been given on emotional part of love. It's true too, I agree with that. But, it's not the 'psyche' we love, its the person himself/herself. So love is physiological too, and that's nothing other that "LUST".

What do you say friends? **winking smile"

Punching Depression...

2005-07-12T16:42:00.000+08:00

I've got these stifled feelings
I can't feel
Did I hurt myself too badly? Why can't I feel?

Cigarettes contain carbon monoxide
Take a Xantax and fall
Money, power, greed
Disgust

I need to get back to where I was feeling good about quitting
Listening to Cocteau Twins
Feeling good again
What's going on?

Do I not have enough structure?
What's wrong with me God?
What's wrong with me God?

I need to feel now
real strong I need to feel, feel, feel
I need to feel...is the essence of drug addiction
It's a bummer I'm not an addict

The good has slipped my mind
I've misplaced it
I gotta pick it up again
These things normally pass with time

My emotions are a rollercoaster
So I sit and stare
I hesitate before taking my next drag
And everything is falling into a dull groan
These things come and go
but for me they stay too long

Eyes hardly openseeking numbness.W h y.....
People seek numbness
They clench their teeth their hearts pounding faster
Damn it this is no good
Sometimes they begin to pound in rage

Beat it out, just keep beating it
Anger! sadness! regret! now it's numb
Just keep pounding
Head hangs low
It feels better to feel nothing

Love on the Other Side of the Fence ..

2005-07-12T16:30:00.000+08:00

We all have heard the old cliché, "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence." So how do we feel about love on the other side of the fence? Is love on the other side of the fence better? In some cases, it is, but in many cases, it is not.

I have encountered many people, over the years, who find themselves in a new relationship after searching in greener pastures. These same people, however, eventually miss their old partner whom they know, in their heart of hearts, was the one for them.

I know a lot of people think of their lives the way I thought of mine. Sometimes you feel lonely and unloved. You feel as if there has got to be more to life, so you set out to find someone who can make you blissfully happy. You believe that you have found that someone and decide he is exactly what you want. So you pack up and say goodbye to all.

You live the glorious life for a few years and then a light bulb goes on in your head. You realize that you have exactly the life that you had before - You realize that love does not just happen; it must be nurtured through the years. You cannot undo what has been done, so you settle for a lonely and loveless life with emptiness in your heart.

In my opinion, this is a very unrealistic expectation. We cannot expect a relationship or another individual to make us "blissfully happy." We have to be happy within ourselves, first and foremost. Establishing a relationship with the right person should only enhance our happiness in life.

If you are currently exploring the question, "Am I happy in my current relationship?" If you are currently single and asking yourself, "Am I ready for a relationship?" We have to incorporate the art of loving into our daily lives, as individuals, and as part of a couple in a loving, committed relationship. With this understanding, and while practicing the art of loving, you will be able honestly to answer some very important questions to yourself: "Are you the one for me?" and "Are you not the one for me?"

Note: in love also "wrong", not in-love also "wrong". married also "wrong", not marry also "wrong" - so now WHAT??

Love = Life Fear = No Life

2005-07-12T16:13:00.000+08:00

Every week, without fail, someone either writes or approaches me with the question: "What have you learned about love?" It is a difficult question to answer completely, because, every day, I learn something new. Each day I watch the world, and I am given new lessons, not only about love, but also about fear. Since I am not one to ignore or avoid a challenge, I will give you what would be my answer to this question today:

I learned that money and possessions do not bring love and happiness to life. I have learned that, in the words of Katherine Anne Porter, "Love must be learned, and learned again and again; there is no end to it." I have learned that life and the lives of the ones you love are happening now and today. This is not a dress rehearsal for another life you will have later... Live it with love now.

For so many years, my priorities were wrong. This caused bad choices and unhappiness for me and for those I loved. Priorities are a key component to a more fulfilling, loving life. My four top priorities are as follows: 1) Myself, 2) My Spouse or Partner, 3) My Family, which includes children, and 4) Work or Career. In my opinion, this has to remain constant to experience true love of oneself, which allows one to share a journey of rising love with a partner, which, in turn, is the example partners must set for their children and for all people they encounter in life.

Love is an action. Treat it as such. Actions speak louder than words when it comes to love.

I judge no other man or woman in this world. This it is not my right. I respect everyone for who they are, as individuals, and treat them equally with love and respect.

In my opinion, love is rising, not falling. You must love yourself, be happy and complete, in order to be capable of sharing a rising love with another. What we should seek is that unique individual who complements us and stimulates our mind, body, spirit, and soul. It has to be all or nothing: partial is not acceptable. To have a truly rising, loving journey with a partner, we must share erotic, platonic, romantic, practical, philosophical, intellectual, and enduring love with one another.

I recognize the importance and beauty of touch. I have no fear of embracing another with a warm hug, or holding a loved one anytime and anywhere. I love to touch the one I love. I love holding hands with the one I love. It is the art of touch that makes loving so sweet. Touch has brought out my feminine side. We all, as men and women, need a balance of yin and yang, both masculine and feminine, to experience love all the time in our lives.

The most important lesson I ever learned : the lesson of unconditional love. We all came into this world with unconditional love. We were brought into this world as the purest form of love imaginable. Why did we change? Why are there so many sad, unhappy, and troubled people in the world today? Why are there so many divorces? Why is there so much violence in the world? Why are our young people committing suicide and performing such serious acts of violence and aggression? Why do so many children grow up with only one parent? Why are road rage and air rage such common occurrences today? I could fill a book with these types of questions that cross my mind, each day, as I watch the evening news and read the newspapers of the world. Why is all this happening? I believe the reason is this: we are not choosing love. Too many of us have forgotten the unconditional love we knew when we entered this world.

We constantly hear so many songs of love. Today, one comes to my mind: "What The World Needs Now Is Love Sweet Love." Why do we not choose love? This is a question that the great minds of all time have explored. More books, television programs, movies, and articles in magazines and newspapers have been written, and, yet, still so many of us choose not to love. Why? It is beyond my understanding why we, as intelligent beings, would choose to live in such hate, chaos, toxicity, dysfunction, and most importantly FEAR!!!!! My equation for you to think about is very simple: LOVE = LIFE, FEAR = NO LIFE. There truly is no in between. I choose LOVE. I have seen what FEAR can do to my life and to the lives of my loved ones and so many others in the world's population.

With the beginning of the new millennium, maybe it is time to start recognizing this most important choice. Each of us faces the choice between LOVE and FEAR everyday. Let us all begin this new century with the intelligence and awareness to choose LOVE over FEAR. Love is the biggest gift you can give to anyone, especially to yourself. Love is the cure to the problems we face each and every day. It is our choice. Fear is a choice that will continue to negatively affect our world unless we do something about it. In my opinion there is no room for FEAR in our world. There is only room for more LOVE.

You Not Walking Alone - sing when you sad..

2005-07-12T10:50:00.000+08:00

I felt that I'm facing a 1st degree life stress, sometimes the "shit" thought of - fuck! how I wish I just die **rolling eye** Ya! ya! I know, I know - I'm not the only fucking shit that facing the 1st degree life stress. Well, people out there are facing even worst than me (don't give me that look or lecturing, ok - I had enough!!). I should be lucky that I'm still alive each time I woke up in the morning. I should be thankful for what I have infront of me now **smile**

I received an email from a good friend of mine, Desmond **smile** Everytime he got to find out that I'm not being myself, he always try his very best to cheer me up no matter what (right, D!?). Guess what! He even asked me to sing Liverpool theme song when I'm feeling sad. Mm.. I had to think twice tho **smile**. I don't want to betray Man United (no hard feelings Man United supporters) but honestly, I find YNWA song is very uplifting song, you know what I mean (let's see it in a positive way, ya!). They have such a self-motivate lyrics, which I kinda like it (Damn! I just can't believe I'm fucking saying this) **hehehe** But, I just don't even know how to sing this "shit" song. I got the lyrics but I don't even... **argh** forget it. I like the lyrics ONLY, let's keep that way!!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present you.. LIVERPOOL Theme Song

When you walk through a storm
hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark
At the end of a storm is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark

Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown
Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart

And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never, ever walk alone
Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never, ever walk alone

Desmond, Thanks for letting me know and keep reminding me that I'm not walking alone **huggies**

Who do you have the toughest time saying NO to?

2005-07-08T11:03:00.000+08:00

Tired of being the go-to gal or guy for, well, everyone? Ya! Ya! I been there... There come to a situation that you just can't say the word "NO" to those people that close, love and **whoever shit** to you (and that sucks at times!!) I have been doing that for so **damn** long and I can't even remember a single thing. Sometimes without you reliazing, by you doing that you actually eating yourself out. You are pleasing people around you, make them happy, do anything for them but this is when the fucking question comes in: Do they really know you are sacrificing for them? Do they fucking appreciate you for what you have done? What happen if you say "NO" - "I'm sorry, I can't help you.." - will they show you a long face? Treat you differently? Create gossip? Won't be as close to you like before?

Honestly, I would do anything to those "people" that close to my heart. I been surrounded by beautiful parents + sisters + cousins + aunties & uncles and bla-bla-bla... and not to forget my wonderful friends. I said it again - I would do anything for them **smile**. I'm not complaining but you just can't help it to think about all these stuff. Sometimes you been force by nature to sacrifice your dreams/needs in order to fulfill other people dreams/needs.

Question: Do you think this fair? Well, some of you will say "Nothing is fair in this fucking world" - so WHAT?! Unlike me. I always like to balance things up - meaning I'm happy (I got to do what I want) you happy (I got to do what you want).It's win-win situation. Question: For how long you going to act or being like this? I bet you going to be so frustrated and just explode **sigh!**

Sometimes when you need their help so badly, you don't expect them to say "NO" to you (never "NO") because you never say "NO" to them no matter how "teruk" or "bad" situation you are in, you are there for them but as for them, they "DID", they say "NO" to you. Questions: Don't you feel like "SHIT"? Felt like betrayed? Sad? Dissappointed? Exactly... you feel like you "been used" so so bad that you just too numb to do nothing **sigh smile**

When these happened to me, I express it out to someone close. You just need to let it out from your chest, else you just going to be explode like volcano. TRUST me!! it's hurt you so bad sometimes you just when to fly/run away - out from MALAYSIA if can **sigh!**.

Some people say that you need to be "selfish" in order to get what you want. Maybe people that born with this character, should be no problem **winking smile**

Here, according to a international survey, the folks you just can't bear to deny ‑ and why you must.

27%Your Child - if you are married!!
Her very life once depended on your saying yes to her every need. It's hard to turn off that instinct. But if you don't, she'll grow up spoiled or helpless.

21% Your Friend
You want to be there for her. But if you keep (reluctantly) saying yes, you may end up resenting her.

19% Your Mother
It's tough to turn down the woman who did so much for you. Simply say, "You know, what you want doesn't work for me." She may be upset, but if you stay loving, she'll let it go.

17% Your Husband - if you are married!!
You say yes to him to avoid a fight. But being a martyr will lead you to take out your anger on him in some other way.

13% Your Boss
You agree to work late ‑- again ‑- because you fear losing your job. But if you politely say: "Oh, I'm sorry, I have a previous commitment," she'll see that you have a life. Just be sure to buckle down on whatever crosses your desk the next day.

Bottom line is - you are ther for others, but noone really there for you - you are alone for yourself ...

Come on you REDs - Manchester United

2005-07-06T10:52:00.000+08:00

Someone said that I'm a hopeless MU fan... Honestly, the reason why I fall for MU is because of Beckham (Ahhhh!!! - I still think he married to a wrong women) **winking smile** Secondly, most of the "hunks" are there **hehehe** Last but not least, I like the way MU play on the field **smile** However, I managed to get MU theme song (yeah!!) **big big smile** Long LIVE Manchester United **proud smile**

-Come on you RED-

Busby Babes they always made me cry
Thinkin' 'bout the teams of years gone by Charlton, Edwards, Law and Georgie Best
We're United, you can keep the rest
Schmeichel, Parker, Pallister Irwin, Bruce, Sharpe and Ince Hughes,
McClair, Keane and Cantona Robson, Kanchelskis and Giggs
Come on you reds, come on you reds

Just keep your bottle and use your heads
For ninety minutes we'll let them know Who's Man United,
here we go
Come on you reds, come on you reds
Just keep your bottle and use your heads
For ninety minutes we'll let them know Who's Man United,
here we go
Glory Glory Man United Glory Glory Man United

We'll maintain the status quo We're Man United,
here we go So Old Trafford let us hear you loud
Cheer us on and we will do you proud
Fifty thousand voices sing our song
Keep us at the top where we belong
So here's to Alex Ferguson
He'll take us all the way
We're on the road to glory now
Winning at home and away

Wondering - how come they didn't even mention about Beckham? **deep deep thinking**

Why ladies today still single?

2005-07-06T10:03:00.000+08:00

Why we "ladies" - some "ladies" today still single? Mmm... let's check as per below mentioned **smile**

1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men,
have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with
money think we are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat
heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual,
somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome,somewhat nice and
have some money and thank God are heterosexual,
are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose
interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW, WHO THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?

"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's
our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature
into something you'd like to have dinner with."

Is your life like an onion...

2005-07-06T09:46:00.000+08:00

One day I was looking out the window
And was lost in thought
I thought that everyone I knew
Only knew a certain part

Like an onion with many different layers
And how much you need to peel
In order to get to the center
From the surface people see
To the deepest part of me
So this is a poem
Dedicated to everyone I know
See yourself anywhere?
Perhaps so....

The people that I know only by name
Look at me at the outside and say "She is cold and downhearted"
Then they turn away

The people tat I get along with but we are not too close
Look at me and say "She is a nice person to be with"
Then they turn away

The people that I see a lot during the day those who have some idea of who I really am
Look at me and say "She would be a wonderful friend to have"
Then they turn away

The people who I see and get along with most of the time
Look at me and say "She is a friend of mine, and I'm glad that I know her"
Then they turn away

Finally the ones that I know the most are the ones that say
"You know, if she never here to begin with I don't know where my life would be without her"
Then they would turn away

Suddenly they would stop
Turn around and come back
And then they would look at me and smile
And say "I care about you don't you ever go away"

My life is similiar to an onion
On the surface cold and harsh
While underneath blooming with kindness and understanding
Beyond compare

The further you go into me
The more you shall see
What is really like to be me..... to know me.....

How Real Is Sex And The City?

2005-07-05T15:06:00.000+08:00

**the sex and the city - expert ladies**

I'm not sure about the guys, but I bet most gurls watched this show **big big smile** I bet with my lit finger (Desmond, did mentioned to me that I'm such lousy in betting, but this for sure) **smile** Sometimes I had a tummy ache and it all because of laughing too much **rolling eyes smile** It's damn fucking funny, man... (Hip!hip HOORAY for SATC)

For those who didn't watch this show, allow me to intro the show to you. Here goes: On Sex and the City , Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker) lives the high life and writes about sex and relationships whilst sleeping with a few men here and there in search of the perfect man. Her friends -- Samantha Jones (Kim Cattrall), the woman who will sleep with anything that has a penis and a pulse; Miranda Hobbes (Cynthia Nixon), the successful, independent woman who always ends up in bed with the weirdos; and Charlotte York (Kristin Davis), who believed that marriage was the be all end all of love, life and the pursuit of happiness - all seem equally promiscuous and quirky. (Now, you got the basic understanding... goodie) **smile**

Questions: Are these women real? Do you know anyone like them? Believe it or not, metropolitan women are more like these babes than you might think (and this is the fact, ok) Is it just a fact of life that women who are unmarried and over 30 become promiscuous naturally? Of course not, it's a conscious decision they make (agree?!!!) **rolling eyes smile** There was a time when virtually all young girls grew up envisioning their wedding day and a future filled with children and wifely duties. Those days are long gone and with every new generation, this little dream seems to be obsolete.

Have women really become so sex oriented that they've become blind to love, marriage and the whole nine yards? Well, obviously not, since Carrie fell for Mr. Big and Aidan -- even though she did sleep with a married Big while she was dating Aidan. It seems monogamy is dead on both sides of the coin. At least from this show's perspective. Samantha, by far the most promiscuous of the bunch, finally fell in love, but to her dismay, she caught the man she loves doing to her what she did to most of the men that came and went in her life -- he cheated. I guess what comes around goes around (do you believe in "karma" - as for myself - YES! I do, very much) **winking smile** Do women think the show's true to life? What about men? **wondering smile**

Asking many women (mostly my gurl frens) if they watch the show garnered a very enthusiastic "yes" But when I asked how close the show was to their real lives, only a handful of city women agreed that there were quite a few similarities between the characters and them and their friends **weird smile + rolling eyes smile**

Although it's hard to believe that many women live the crazy lifestyle that the four babes of the popular hit series enjoy, there is nevertheless an element of truth to the show. After all, where are all the ideas coming from? (agree with me!??) **smile** ...You do the math.... **winking smile**

The Life We Choose

2005-07-01T14:34:00.000+08:00

Here's the premise: We are all, right now, living the life we choose (agreed?!) Let me repeat the sentence again - "living the life we choose" This choice, of course, is not a single, monumental choice **smile** No one decides, for example, "I'm going to move to UK, and in five years I will be a waiter in a so-so restaurant, planning to get my 8-by-10's done real soon so that I can find an agent and become a star," or "I'm going to marry a dreadful person like Prince William **ahhhhh hehe** and we'll live together in a loveless marriage, staying together only for the kids, who I don't much like, either." **just kidding + winking smile**

The choices I'm talking about here are made daily, hourly, moment-by-moment.. kind of thing. Do we try something new, or stick to the tried-and-true? Do we take a risk, or eat what's already on our dish? Do we ponder a thrilling adventure, or contemplate what's on TV? Do we walk over and meet that interesting stranger, or do we play it safe? Do we indulge our heart, or cater to our fear? Well, think about it, sometimes these "weirdo" questions do pop-up in my head **confusing smile**

The bottom-line question here: Do we pursue what we want, or do we do what's comfortable?

For the most part, most people most often choose "comfort" (majority of us - yeah!) - the familiar, the time-honored, the well-worn but well-known (do you get what I'm trying to say, else fuck it) **smile** After a lifetime of choosing between "comfort" and "risk", we are left with the life we currently have. Like NOW!!

And it was all of our own choosing **blank face + blank smile**

Big Wave and Small Wave Story

2005-06-30T15:07:00.000+08:00

If you watched "Tuesday with Morrie" movie, there's a moment where Mitch visited his professor (whom he called Coach!!). Mitch asked his Coach to tell a "Big Wave" story to his girlfriend - Jennie (I think...) **smile** So, this is how the story goes.... (Note: I can't really remember the exact words... but this is how it goes)

Big wave asked small wave "Why do you look so frightened?" Small wave said "Well! you so huge and strong wave. And we are so small and tiny wave. Don't you see that!" So the big wave said "No, no. Don't YOU... see it, who said that you are a wave BUT you are PART of the OCEAN!"

I watched it again last night at Hallmark channel and it make me wonder through out the night until I dozz off, what actually the story trying to say. Till now, I don't fucking know shit about what is this story means?? **rolling eyes smile + deep deep thinking**

Anyone care to explain???

Being Single Isn't a State of Waiting....

2005-06-30T13:56:00.000+08:00

No matter how "together" a couple feel, how melded, how much a unit, even if their two hearts beat as one, it'll take more than true love to get them into a movie theater (for an example); it'll take two -- not one, two -- tickets (you know what I mean) **eye rolling smile**

Whatever a pair of lovers want to do together in life, unless they're literally joined at the hip (though this might be a gray area), on some level they just have got to do it alone **damn!** Sometimes you just need to do stuff alone (am I right?!). I do watch movies alone, window shopping, eat & drink, afternoon walk, watch sunset, go to the gym and **drum rolling - my common word** bla-bla-bla **hehehehe**. So W-H-A-T?! Some of my friends will give me the comments like - Why you go alone? Are you ok? "Ooo I'm sorry, I'm not there for you" statement will definately come out from any of my friends mouth. I know my friends concerns and they would be gald and happy to be there for me if their time persist. But hey! no worries... **smile** As I about to say, sometimes when you do things alone, you can do things FREELY - like BEING your-fucking-self. For example: If I want to bawl loudly, belly laugh or dive-bomb into a keg of greasy popcorn, there's no need to censor my urges **understand what I MEAN now..**

I'm not anti-romance (I'm not - trust me!!) I'm not advocating or anything like that but I'm simply saying there's nothing shameful about relying on one's own company as entertainment on a Saturday night (sometimes only ok NOT most of the times) Trust me! it's not easy for me to say this but you will learned from time-to-time. It sure beats dating someone boring (brain-dead)? so you won't be branded a loser. Check the dictionary: "loser" doesn't mean "dateless"; it means "squander." As in squandering my time, my heart, my body and soul, I discovered that your life doesn't start when two-become-one; single isn't a state of waiting. I have highs and lows in my life **sigh!**, great circle of friends **yeah!** and a great need for down time: time spent alone. Allow me to give you some tips like what will you do when you spent your time alone? **big big smile** Well, just think about what you want in 5 years time? Where will you be in 5 years time? Will I ever get marry? How come I still have no boyfriend yet (for the singles)? (and the questions will keep on-and-on flowing in your mind) **winking smile** Single-tons, this is the moments for you think what you really want for yourself!!!!

I'm not saying NO to marriage or relationship, but by saying "I do" in marriage or realationship doesn't quatantee forever. I could be wrong or I could be right (I'm not to fucking sure about that - damn!) **confuse smile** Even if I don't want to always live alone, that's the way I'll enter either heaven or hell (if that's my final destination) **smile** And while I'm here on Earth, I will always be HERE **smile**

SERENDIPITY will come to me...

2005-06-30T11:36:00.000+08:00

SERENDIPITY glanced in my mind out of sudden and it reminded me of my dear friend Yan. She mentioned this word "SERENDIPITY" in her blog before. I don't understand what this word mean until I took the effort to search in the dictionary **hehehe**. Well, let's say that I'm not that cool with this long-long type of wording. Simple english the better **hehehe**

Have you ever search and hoping for something good and pleasant to ease whatever feelings that still trap in you? Have you ever felt threaten by your own emotion? To answer this type of questions, it do freck me out most of the time **rolling eyes**. Aha! why do i freck out - simple... I just don't know the answers **confusing face + smile** Mmm.. maybe I do, maybe I don't. I agreed with Yan, it is something too complex to be elaborate. It is there, lurking now and then, with or without our conscious mind. I’m sure, in a corner of our heart, no matter how big or small the space given, we still reserve it for "HOPE"; "FAITH"; "LOVE". A person with no hope is a person with no future (I agreed with you - Yan) **smile**

However, sometimes when you hope so fucking much - and it doesn't turn like what we hope for, it's just break your heart **sad smile** Do you ever experianced this type of feeling? Damn! I hate it when I started to feel it. But again, whether we reliaze it or not, HOPE + FAITH + LOVE do play a big role in every little aspect in out daily life. I do still HOPE for certain things in my life, I do still believe in FAITH and I believe so strongly that LOVE will always WIN **big big smile**

I bet with my little finger I(not middle finger ah!) **smile** that each and everyone of us have their ups and downs in their daily life. We need to face all this SHIT's, no matter we like it or not and that's why we called it - the journey of LIFE. Sometimes we encountered that HOPE, FAITH and LOVE doesn't come our way. If we damn lucky enough, we will encounter it somehow **smile** The wonderful moments that touches your heart in a very unique and special ways without you noticed it, or asking for it, or plan for it... well, this is definately SERENDIPITY. I do have my own SHIT's in my life, and I have no regrets going through every single thing. I do look back into my past, just to remind myself on some certains things so that I won't repeat the same fucking mistakes again-and-again. You know what! sometimes when you recall the wonderful moments, out of sudden you just smile **hehehe** (well, it happen to me a lot). **hehehe** my girlfriends caught me once, and they asked me - why la you smile-smile? Of course the common answers - Mmm.. nothing with a smile. They started laughing and called me "siau ca bo". It means crazy women **hehehe**. Well, all these things the ones that keep me moving on... **smile**

Yes, obstacle does persist but what’s life without obstacle after all? Life must consist of ups and down **smile** Else it wouldn’t be complete. How does SERENDIPITY comes to you, one thing for sure, "GOD" have set -whatever- plan/plans for each and everyone of us. As for myself, I will keep on hoping, believing, loving and -whatever shit- because I know deep down in my heart - SERENDIPITY will never fails me. And I hope it will never fails you either... **winking eyes**

To my dear Yan, knowing the word of SERENDIPITY, it's such a blessing **huggies**

A Clinical Opinion of the Single Life

2005-06-29T16:35:00.000+08:00

How the fuck should I start on this **rolling eyes**. I read this book called - "Men don't cry but women do" (half way thru only) **smile**. Ok, let's take a realistic and very serious look at what is actually occurring in the lives of single women **Mmm**. It seems that recently I've been reading that 44-54% of women are single based on a survey (damn! not really sure whether is this true or what but that what it says) **so sian liao** With such a high percentage, it is no wonder I'm seeing so many books on the life of the single woman **crap!!** however, I find it rather fascinating since I was single too **hehehe + smile**

On certain chapters, the book does focus on sex all while promoting positive changes. It basically gives single woman a much needed reality check **Mmm** for example - Is sex that satisfying for single women or would they enjoy sex more in a much more stable and secure environment, like marriage? (very interesting!!) This book seem to make women more aware of the connection between sexuality and the emotions (very good combination) **winking smile** We women know they are connected, so this is not completely new information I think la. However, there was much to learn from this book in regards to how hormones affect mood and etc **don't tell anyone smile**

Let's move on other chapters (flipping the book now) **smile**, there is one comment that disturbed me in a unique way. When the book said Adam and Eve were having casual sex (do you believe that, damn), my mind could not comprehend how anyone would ever believe such a statement **argh + confusing smile** To me, Adam and Eve are the ultimate soul mates, created by "God" and an example of the ideal relationship we should strive for in a troubled world. On the other point this book is telling woman how damaging casual sex can be and on the other hand says things like "you go girl". That can be confusing **damn!!** and I think this book is trying so hard not to offend people **shit!!** that this book is trying to present both sides of the situation (I have a feeling that this book will be "gone by the wind") Women who have any religious beliefs will not find much advice about that subject in this book.

Anyway, Knowledge is power. Even if you are married or single or divorcee or -whatever shit-, you might enjoy the information about the mysteries of the male psyche in this book. Perhaps it is just the nature of love to pounce on you when you are not looking **winking smile**

Life's Greatest Lesson - Tuesday with Morrie

2005-06-29T15:44:00.000+08:00

I been reading this book ever since in 1999 and this book was given to me as a present from a friend - Roza (Roza, I still have the book and thanks for showing me how beautiful life is back than..) **big smile**. Until recently, **Mmm.. I think last week** Hallmark Channel in Astro played "Tuesday with Morrie". I was shocked, speechless and excited cuz I don't even know that there's a movie **thinking smiling**

It was last week Friday **Mmm.. I think.. + rolling eyes**, I waited patiently right infront of Astro. I took my dinner earlier, took my bath extra earlier ... whatever it is, everything all extra earlier on that day. Sharp at 09:00pm - the movie started at Channel 11 **smile** From the beginning of the movie and up to the end, I just can't stop sniffing or another word - I CRIED **crying face + smile** The movie is so so damn touching... you just have to watch it. If not get the damn BOOK... is WORTH it!!!

Tuesday with Morrie synopsis of the story as per below:

"Tuesdays With Morrie" is the heartwarming story of Albom's relationship with his college mentor, Morrie Schwartz, with whom Albom has lost touch for 16 years. Upon seeing him on the "Nightline" program - talking to Ted Koppel about what it was like to die from Lou Gehrig's disease - Albom was both horrified and ashamed. He called his old teacher, flew to Boston for a reunion, and began a series of weekly visits, rekindling their loving teacher-student relationship while tackling a larger subject in their final "class": the meaning of life.

My favorite quote from Tuesday with Morrie: "You see, . . . you closed your eyes. That was the difference. Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too — even when you're in the dark. Even when you're falling."

BreakAway to Litang Kijal ..

2005-06-29T14:05:00.000+08:00

**Me ... surrounded by the mother NATURE**

Don't get to excited, cuz this is old story. Don't have the opportunity to upload it. Reason why I publish it now because I love mothernature and I had a great time there.

Well, a breakaway to Lintang Kijal ( I really hope I spelled it right.. else just fuck it la) was a last minute arrangement (Mmm.. I think - can't remember). But one thing for sure is that at first, we (me and my housemate) wanted to go to Genting but the hotel "fully booked" so ... Lintang Kijal here we come la **hehehe** Since it's a holiday season, there's so many people at LK (short form for Lintang Kijal - so lazy to spell it out la) but that... however never stop us to climb the bukit-bukau, just to have a nice spot. Nice spot to see "guys" in tights **winking smile** (unfortunately, NONE!!!) **sad smile**

My friends enjoyed themselves with the waterfalls but not me. Too bad for me **sad smile**. If you readers wonder why - than I would say - "women stuff" la **hehehe**

Anyway, I had a great time.. It's about time for me to breakaway for a short holiday... and I finally I have it **smile**

A Verb or A Noun or An Impression ....

2005-06-29T11:09:00.000+08:00

Crap! It hit on me again.. You guys must be thinking what the fuck I'm talking about (there I go again.. I doing it again.. Damn!) **deep rolling eyes**. I had a chat with Jit last night. He been reading my blogs that I posted. He giving me a comment (No worries, Jit - no heart feelings) that I used a lot of "you know what I mean..." **sigh** Let me be straight-forward here - the F-U-C-K word **deep thinking, really deep thinking**

What actually the meaning of F-U-C-K? **big big smile** Ya! ya! I know what you guys starting to think now... **hehehe**. Let see in A VERB perspective, well it mean in so many ways for example 1) To engage in sexual intercourse **winking smile + rolling eyes** 2) To take advantage of, betray, or cheat; victimize (depands on how you express into words) 3) Used in the imperative as a signal of angry dismissal (this is what I MEANT, ok!!) **hehehe** Now, in A NOUN perspective, 1) Used as an intensive: What the fuck did you do that for? 2) Used to express extreme displeasure. **Aha!!** Last but not least, in A Pharasal VERB's, i) fuck up - To make a mistake; bungle something; To act carelessly, foolishly, or incorrectly; To cause to be intoxicated.

**deep thinking.. Mmm** Question: Does it make you sound cooler, smarter or -whatever-, when you keep on saying the F*** word? **confused smile** Some people might find it impressive, some don't. I think this word commonly used among teenager's, they used this word to act COOL and try to find a spot to fit IN... (you know what I mean). I was highlighted that for an adult - it seems like juvenile at best, and crude or stupid at the worst **Mmm**

Right, here goes... **drum rolling** Sometimes it happened just a slipped out from my tougue, sometimes I used it to make my fucking sentence more U-M-M-P-H, more FIRM (like BOH) **hehehe**, I believed this only happens when you are in the midst of expressing your anger to someone, trying so damn hard to get "whatever shit" that you are trying to get across to your partner, friends, relatives -whoever- and this -whoever- is so blur or not willing to accept/listen/acknowledge and bla-bla-bla (whatever la - you know what I mean..). As for me, it is just an impression and doesn't mean that when you said this "words" it will reflect that you are fucking bad person with fucking bad attitute etc.., right!!! **winking smile** That's why we have a phase saying "Do not judge a BOOK by it's COVER" **smile**

However, I do agreed with Jit and Larry too that sometimes you just need to control your-fucking-self to use less of this words **smile**. However, is all in the mind, right **winking smile**

THE ROSE WITHIN.....

2005-06-29T10:33:00.000+08:00

I'm not sure why I feel like upload this "The Rose Within"... I guess it's really meant a lot to me and it make me reliaze something about myself **smile**. Hoping so much that it will help you readers too!! A good friend of mine Larry dropped me "SMS" yesterday, and the SMS said - "Don't let the world stuff make you fucking crazy. It's just the OPENING" (he didn't used the F*** word when he sent **hehehe**, I ADD it up - sorry Larry!!. It makes the sentence, more U-M-M-P-H) **hehe + big big smile**. Check out the ROSE WITHIN .....

A certain man planted a rose and watered it faithfully and before it blossomed, he examined it. He saw the bud that would soon blossom, but noticed thorns upon the stem and he thought, "How can any beautiful flower come from a plant burdened with so many sharp thorns? Saddened by this thought, he neglected to water the rose, and just before it was ready to bloom... it died.

So it is with many people. Within every soul there is a rose. The God-like qualities planted in us at birth, grow amid the thorns of our faults. Many ofus look at ourselves and see only the thorns, the defects.

We despair, thinking that nothing good can possibly come from us. We neglect to water the good within us, and eventually it dies. We never realize our potential.

Some people do not see the rose within themselves; someone else must show it to them. One of the greatest gifts a person can possess is to be able to reach past the thorns of another, and find therose within them.

This is one of the characteristic of love... to look at a person, know their true faults and accepting that person into your life... all the while recognizing the nobility in their soul. Help others to realize they can overcome their faults.If we show them the "rose" within themselves, they will conquer their "thorns". Only then will they blossom many times over.

AM I WEAK OR AM I STRONG ......

2005-06-29T09:52:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I fear and just want to run, Away from everything that needs to be done,
I get overwhelmed and just break down and cry,
But you can never say that I didn't try,
Am I strong to have made it this far?
Or am I weak because I haven't reached for the brightest star?

Independence isn't something I have grasped at just yet,
Sometimes I feel like a child lost in the dark without a safety net,
But you can not say that I am not a responsible girl,
So am I weak to have insecurities such as these?
Or would you say I am strong enough to be at ease?

I shy away from human affection in fear of losing control,
Though what I want most of all is someone who shares my soul,
Am I strong to have stayed innocent this long?
Or am I weak because of the guilt I feel when sometimes I do wrong?

I sometimes get so angry at the world that I just want to fight,
Knowing that self destruction just isn't right,I lash out at the ones I love and just wish that I could die,
I just wish that everything they ever wanted, I could buy,
Am I weak for feeling so helpless when it comes to the ones I love?
Or am I strong because the love I feel for them is as strong as the angels up above?

I believe that most of all true love does exist somewhere out there for me,
But I also fear with all my heart that I can never have a love that rare,
I still believe in fairy tales as foolish as that may be,
And now it's up to you to decide whether I am strong or whether I am weak,

Because to me the line between is just too thin to seek,
But then how can you decide whether someone is too weak or too strong,
When knowing all of those factors make up who they are?
And if that's the case then I would say I am both of these at the same time,
Because I am who I am and that's all that matters to those who read this rhyme.

Chances or Choices...

2005-06-28T12:08:00.000+08:00

The unknown and unpredictable element in happenings that seems to have no assignable cause - that is all about "Chances"... As for "Choices" it could be a lot of things... **Mmm** 1) The act of choosing; selection. 2) The power, right, or liberty to choose; option. 3) One that is chosen and bla-bla-bla - lazy to mention liao **winking smile**

Questions - how do you know on that moment of time/second.. - it is a chance or a choice? Have you ever think about it? Does it make sense to you? Have you ever experianced that moment of time? Have you ever caught yourself up in this chances & choices situation? What would you do? One damn thing for sure, I do - I do caught up in this situation. And how I wish i don't have to through it. It is so SHIT man. Sometimes I felt like pulling my hair **thank GOD, myhair still inplace**, ripping your heart (Phew! thank GOD again..I don't have any sharp stuffs. Else I need to get a personal advice from Anna), jump down from your apartment balcony **unless tsunami hits again than I have no choice**, take sleeping pills **if I didn't get any goodnight sleep, this is my solution** (stop it! I know it's bad and bla-bla-bla, I know how to control it - no worries) and whatever shit, ok. However, I still have my senses **thank GOD**, for sure and definately.. I won't do all those shits. The worst that I could do is had a good cry. A good cry.. sometimes it just freck me out when I see myself crying. **dore-mon looks better than I am, I think** But yeah, it does help you in a small tiny way. Other alternatives, I talk it out with my friends, chill out with them, play pool, go to gym - improve my side kick and punch in my kickboxing class **so that I kick ass, ok**, attend my tai chi and yoga class, salsa with my personal trainer **oh yes.. groovy baby..!!**, bottom line is.. I try to keep myself as fucking busy as I can so that I don't have to pressure myself with all this nonsense. Hey! don't get me wrong, I'm not running away from this symptoms but it just that it's not the time for you to even think about it. Maybe is not the right time for you to think or make a decision on the chances or the choices that you about to take when you feeling confused, not being rational etc .... Believed me, when you are not your-fucking-self ... you be making 99.99% wrong choices and you will definately blew your chances away **Mmm...**

Honestly, it's a bit hard when come to relationship when you caught yourself up in this chance vs choice symptoms. Well, when it involved feelings is a bit difficult to handle, I think **rolling eyes**. For example: When we meet the right person to love when we're at the right place at the right time, that's chance. When you meet someone you're attracted to, that's not a choice - That's chance. Being caught up in a moment (and there's a lot of couples who get together because of this..) is not a choice. That's also a chance. The difference is what happens afterwards **drum rolling**. When will you take that infatuation, that crush, that mind-blowing attraction to the next level? **Aha!** That's when all sanity goes back, you sit down and contemplate whether you want to make this into a concrete relationship or just a fling. If you decide to love a person, even with his/her faults, that's not a chance. That's choice. Now, do you get what I'm trying to say... **hehehe**

When you choose to be with a person, no matter what **no matter what, ok!!**, that's a damn choice. Even if you know there are many people out there who are more attractive, smarter, and richer than your mate, and yet, you decide to love your mate just the same, that's choice. Infatuation, crushes, attraction comes to us by chance. But true love that lasts is truly a choice. A choice that we make. That's why you need to be as stable as it is before you make a choice. **smile**

Soulmates - do you believe it? **deep thinking** Regarding soul mates, there's a beautiful movie quote that I believe is so true about this: " Fate brings you together, but it's still up to you to make it happen." I do believe that soul mates do exist. That there is truly someone made for you. But it's still up to you to make the choice if you're going to do something about it or not.We may meet our soul mates by chance, but loving and staying with our soulmates is still a choice we have to make. **agreed with me +winking smile** We came to the world not by finding someone perfect to love... BUT to learn how to love an imperfect person perfectly... **smile**

Do you have a journal or a diary? Well, I do. My girlfriends said that I'm crazy or too old to keep one **sigh**. When I caught myself in between of chances or choices symptoms, I release it in my journal. Not fucking sure about you readers, but as for me at least it help me to list down the pro's and con's before I take the chance and make the choice, you know what I mean **winking smile**..... Sometimes, you just need your heart to decide. Whatever that came close to your heart, well... that's the truth **winking smile**

To all my friends (well! you know who you are... thanks from the bottom of my heart for being there and support me through my hardship - love you all) **huggies**

P.Ramlee Movies hidden concepts...

2005-06-28T09:08:00.000+08:00

I was at Sea Breeze View (somewhere near Tanjung Tokong area) yesterday. It's a damn fucking cool place to hang out at night. You have a beach chair, you be sitting underneath a pine tree, there's x'mas lights and the best thing is that you be facing the beach. Ya, ya ... you won't be seeing a damn thing at night and that is just crap **rolling eyes** but just imagined dude, you sitting down after a long day at work **ahhhh**; order your drinks; start to light up your ciggies and just listen to the wave - tell me now!!!.. how relaxing is that? Aha tell me, tell me?? **Ahhhhhh.. being at the beach and listen to the wave.. Ahh** On second thought, hope there's no tsunami **tash-wood** - did i spell it right, fuck it la.

Anyway, I was with Jit and Richard, they were talking about the late and legenary P. Ramlee movies **picture as the above**. They used one of P.Ramlee dialogue in their conversations. Well, one thing about his movie, you won't get fucking bored **hehehe**. You can just watch again-and-again-and fucking again and you still laughing at the same thing **big big smile + rolling eyes**.

Ok here goes, there's one movie called "Pendekar Bujang Lapok" .. not sure whether you guys watched this or what!! This is how the story goes ... 3 fuckers would really much wanting to learn "silat". What is "silat" - malay tae- kwan-do la **shit! did i spell it right, damn** So, the fuckers met the see-fu la. They learned how to ber-silat and on the final day they been send to the jungle la, the grave yard la and inside a well **empty well of cause**. The see-fu would like to test them on what they have learned and advised them accordingly "Fuckers, don't care a thing on what going to happen around you, just focus and say -cuba an-". What is "cuba-an" - crap, how do I explain this. Well, to make it simple - Shit! it's just a test from the above and just go through it **the simple explaination that I can think off**

Something happened, when these fuckers meditation la, the see-fu daughter got kidnapped la. So, this poor old see-fu chased the buggers and met the fuckers **Oii, it rhymes la - hehe**. The old See-fu screamed at them "Yo fuckers! help me to save my daughter. Hurry!". Guess what! the 3 fuckers look at each other and said CUBA-AN.. **hehe** and the story go-on and on-and-on la. You want to know what happen, go and buy the VCD ok **winking smile**

Let's put the hidden concepts of this movie in reality mode (like now - your journey of life), you been tested in so many ways by the one and only - "GOD". Sometimes you can't expect your journey of life is a straight path - I guess it will be fucking bored, no trilling, no advanture and no fun. If your journey is like - a road to Batu Feringgi (if you are a Penang people, good! you know what I meant, else fuck it) **sigh + winking smile**, don't you think your life would be more exciting, fun, advanture and the best thing is you experianced the hardship by yourself. If you been born in this world with gold spoon feed whatever shit la, what happened if you don't have all those in a blink, in a snap, in whatever shit, ah? **deep thinking now.. Mmm..** Can you managed yourself to go through it? Maybe you can and maybe you can't. The only person that can answer that is yourself **sigh! I can help on this...**. I been through it and been there and no shit! it's not easy. But thanks to whatever CUBA-an that was given to me, I have go through it and it make me what I am now.Thanks Jit and Richard for bringing this topic out. It make me think for a moment about my life journal **hehehehe**. And thanks Yan for being my shadow for always **huggies** .

So.. when you feel lost within yourself - stand up, shut your eyes, take a deep breath **breath in.. breath out**, open your eyes and say - it's a FUCKING C-U-B-A-an........ **hehehe + big big smile** Mom, used to say to me that if you have a sincere heart and your are true to yourself, life will be treating you good and you will see the rewards from GOD. Mom, i maybe a pain in your ass at times, but thanks for the advice and I will hold it close in my heart for always **sigh! I miss my mummy now**

je ne sais quoi ...

2005-06-27T16:30:00.000+08:00

**je ne sais quoi - what so fucking unique about this picture**

je ne sais quoi - I don't even know what it means until a good friend of mine, Desmond mentioned about it. We were chatting thru MSN and as usual (when you get excited about something, you ask people bla-bla-bla right - as for me now, I'm excited about my "blog") I asked him what he thinks of my blog. Then he said "je ne sais quoi". My dear readers - it means "something that one can't describe". His remarks make me pause for awhile and think **deep thinking + rolling my eyes**. Finally, I agreed with him. My blog ::Violent Beauty Insight:: is not ME at all. Well, just a bit la but not even close to 2% of me **winking smile**. Pictures that been displayed is just acting as a caption; however wordings acting as a remark and Desmond is right ... I'm more than this. But W-H-A-T??!! **damn it**

Do you ever thought of how unique you are in a way? Do you know what make you so unique? Do we really know what unique means? Well.. what I know is that unique is "Being the only one of its kind". One thing for sure, GOD have created every single soul in this world with it's own extraordinary. Everybody have their own unique-ness in them. But question!.. do you know what make you so unique - aha!!!.. now you start thinking **hehehe**

Sometimes you don't even noticed or you don't even know what make you so damn unique - well, take "myself" for example.. (Thanks! to Desmond - you make me thinking so damn fucking hard, man..) I don't even know what make me so unique because I never thought about it at all. Another good & special friend of mine - Foofy.. Well, he's always there to remind me about myself and never fail to remind me until I reliaze it **but, I don't think that I reliaze till now - rolling my eyes** Maybe I'm to blind to see within myself (well! no matter how expensive your contact lenses cost you, it definately does not help much) **winking smile**. Sometimes you just need someone to highlight over to you, remind you about YOU!!. I believed only those people that really know you so well.. to the extend that they even know what food you like or what is in your mind now without you even mentioned it. Scary ah - but this is the fact. And the fact is that these people are the ones who know how you unique you are internally **smile**.

I hope I will discover my unique-ness soon or never **hehehe** ...

Auckland vs Penang

2005-06-27T13:23:00.000+08:00

Ya! ya! what is this.. Well actually my goodfren - Sue just came back from Auckland. It's a routine that everytime she got back, pool and foosball is a MUST to-do thing when we hang out **winking smile**. Our spot is always the "torch" - Jessie! I'm promoting the pub liao, will I be getting any special discount when I order drinks and food **hehe**

Sue beat me in pool, we played 8 balls. The girls (Sue and me) beat "fair and square" to the guys (Joe and Jessie). Hip! hip! Hooray to the girls **winking smile**. Unlike yesterday we lost to the guys **sigh**. We had lots of fun and yesterday was my last outing with Sue. Sue and Dom is flying back to Auckland today. $&%*#!! I can't send her off to the airport (this happened twice).

**(from left) Spider, Sue, Joe (the basketball jersey) and Jessie**

By the way, the girl beside Spider (the left) is Nikki (Joe girlfriend). we played with her too. Anyway, Najib (another friend of ours) is not around. Wonder where is he at this time.. **Mmm** Anyway, to Joe/Nikki, Spider, Jessie, Sue/Dom and Najib - thanks for the moments **big big smile**

Sue, just want you to know that I'm starting to miss you **huggies**

Batu Feringgi Outing

2005-06-24T16:20:00.000+08:00

We took this photo right after we had a ride on the banana-boat. It's was **%*96(%443** fun. We just can't stop screaming and laughing **hehe**.

Had a little picnic behind Bayview Pacific Hotel along with our Ipoh guy friends. Thanks to them, they cooked us - curry chicken and ikan bilis sambal **i think**. Too bad, no rice included.. so we ate with bread la. Guys, thanks for the food, next time - MUTTON ya!! **yummy**

Ride a horse is one experiance I will never forget. I managed to ride "Beauty" (name of the horse, but not black beauty, ok!) by myself. Hooray!! **big big smile** Sorry to say not for Hui In. She have to ride with full guidance from the horse guy **hehe**

We wanted to ride a jetski but Richard "our security officer" advised us not too. This is due to 1) jellyfish 2) Minder (becuz of you.. we can't ride the jetski - just joking man **hehe**..)

Sarjit "the advisor full of life philosophy" trying to feed us with lots of philosophy of cuz, however.. it's weekend and most of us left our brain back in the office and some of us left it at home, as we just can't take any of bla-bla-bla nomore. Swee Chin.. am I right? **hehe** Anyway, I'm just pulling your leg, Sir. It was a very valuable philosophy **winking smile**

Jit, nothing much to say about you as you are pretty off quite that day **hehe**. Damn! we don't even have the guys photo to upload **sigh**. Anyway, thanks to everybody - I had a great time **big smile**

**Me, Hui In and Swee Chin**

International DragonBoat Race in Penang

2005-06-24T13:28:00.000+08:00

My housemates and our guy friends from Ipoh (whom came late, so late) decided to watch International Dragonboat Race which was held in Penang 2 weeks ago.

So gurls!! if you want to see guys in tight pants, this where you suppose to be..!!. If you want to see "USHER" body figure, this where you suppose to be, bottom line.. you can see **everything** about guys from head to toe **winking smile**. Too bad.. we didn't manage to snap any "cute" guys around as we are to busy screaming and watching the competition.

**Dragonboats from Pacificwest - I think**

Anyway, it was so **damn** hot and I almost got myself sunstroke. My housemates (Swee Chin and Hui In) and myself been applying so many layers of sunblock but we still caught ourselves burn **sigh - rolling eyes**

To my housemates, it was a fun day ... **smile**

** Swee Chin and me - Dragonboat Camp **

** Hui In and me - Dragonboat Camp **